


One Day at a Time

by Shippershape



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-15
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-01-12 12:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 41,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1186085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shippershape/pseuds/Shippershape
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imported from ff.net. Andy and Sam are back at work, though he's now a detective and she's been gone for six months undercover. Sam's with someone new, and Andy has to put her own feelings aside. Can they figure out how to work together without being together, or will their history get in the way? Picks up after 4x01, McSwarek. I hope you like it, please review!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Andy knelt silently on the pavement, studying the spatter of blood across the sidewalk. Her gloved hand reached forward and traced the crimson swirls of a partial shoe print on the gray concrete.

 

"McNally, earth to McNally." Andy looked up to see Sam peering over her shoulder at the print.

 

"Did you find something?" She tried to keep her voice neutral, but it was cooler than she meant it to be. Sam raised his eyebrows at her, but didn't comment on it.

 

"I've been calling you for the past five minutes, would you mind dragging your ass out of the clouds and joining me here?" The easiness of his tone, coupled with his casual manner towards her all day made it clear she was a colleague, and nothing but. Andy picked up on it, and it hurt, deep. As hard as she tried to brush it off, the wound was still fresh. Just as, apparently, was their victims.

 

"The blood here, the shoe print, it's still wet Sam. Whoever was here can't have been gone more than ten minutes. And judging from the amount of blood here, they won't be very far." Andy didn't know if they were looking for a helpless victim or a violent criminal, but her stomach tightened uncomfortable at the idea that they could be looking for a body. She didn't know if she could handle it today. She glanced up at Sam, his dark eyes clouded with thought, and felt her heart constrict. One day at a time, she told herself. Carelessly, Sam grabbed her hand to pull her up, and Andy's heart gave another pathetic kick. One minute at a time, she revised, as the pain squeezed her chest, just one minute.

 

Unaware and unaffected by what was taking place in Andy's head, Sam released her hand and reached for his radio. He called in a BOLO for their victim, whom witnesses had described as a white male, early thirties, wearing an orange windbreaker. The jacket would be easy enough to identify, he thought to himself, but the inevitable mosaic of blood that likely covered it would be easier. No one had seen what had happened, according to the few fine citizens that had spoken to him at all, but two separate witnesses had shared the same story of seeing the bloody man stagger out of the alley and then disappear.

 

Sam turned back towards Andy and had to avert his gaze when it fell on her bent over the cruiser, writing notes. He told himself he was only human, and only a man, when his eyes skimmed her fine ass in those stupid navy slacks. He tried not to notice the way the sun lit up streaks of red in her hair, darker than when he met her, but still soft enough to run his hands through. He shook his head, and looked away. He half wished he didn't know what it was like to tangle his fingers in that long, dark hair, tugging her head backwards to expose her neck to his lips. But he did. And though he was happy with Marlo, and his relationship with McNally was platonic now, these memories haunted him.

 

He didn't want her, he told himself. She'd left him just when he finally opened up to her. She had taken his vulnerability and thrown it in his face. They were just colleagues now, hell, he was a detective and she was only a few years out of the academy. He could easily smother his feelings for some rookie who chose her career over him. As he thought it, a small hand grabbed his shoulder and he swiveled to see Andy's face inches from his. They both took an involuntary step backwards. Her stunning brown eyes dropped from his, then met his gaze.

 

"The station called, Peckstein brought in a white male matching the description we gave. He's at the barn now but EMS are on their way to pick him up. They said we could meet them at the hospital, but he's in pretty bad shape." Her voice, almost young, but with that hint of rasp, seemed to seep right into his bones as she spoke. Refusing to acknowledge it, Sam flashed her his dimpled grin, then turn towards the car.

 

"You coming McNally?" He didn't bother to look back at her as he strode towards the drivers side. Suddenly she was right in front of him, blocking his path.

 

"Where do you think you're going?" There was enough confidence in her voice to have him checking his pockets for the keys. He looked up to see her dangling them in front of him, laughter glinting in her eyes. He narrowed his own at her.

 

"I wouldn't have taken you for a thief McNally." He held out his hand for the keys, but she didn't drop them. Nudging him out of the way with her hip, Andy slid into the driver's seat and smiled innocently up at him.

 

"You coming Swarek?" His answering glare lasted a few seconds before he gave up and stomped over to the passenger's seat.

 

'I'm a d," he muttered, "working the streets like some damn beat cop, and I don't even get to drive." Sam looked over to see Andy laughing, that arresting grin causing something in his gut to tighten. One day at a time, he told himself. Just one day.


	2. Falling for Her

“Nick,” Andy muttered, prodding her sleeping partner, “Wake up you idiot.” Nick jerked awake with an obvious start, and drew dirty looks from the cops sitting closest to them. He glanced blearily around as Oliver cleared his throat from the podium at the front of the room.

 

“As I’m sure you all know, the long weekend ahead of us is probably going to be pretty eventful. There will be a lot of DUIs, some drunk and disorderlys and maybe even some public indecency, if you play your cards right.” He smirked and a few chuckles reverberated around the room.

“Speaking of indecent, I think a warm welcome back is in order for our radiant new mother and senior officer Noelle Williams.” Oliver backed away as Noelle, looking tired but happy, stepped forwards.

 

“Thank you, thank you.” She took a bow and Oliver resumed briefing the room on the importance of their presence as the weekend played out, and staying visible. Andy leaned towards Nick and whispered into his ear.

 

“What’s wrong with you today?” Her look of concern faced the front of the room, but he heard it in her voice.

 

“I’m just tired, I had a long night.” His clipped tone had Andy sitting back in her seat, feeling dismissed. Oliver concluded his lecture, and the navy clad audience around them began to disperse. A little stung, Andy stood without a word, and headed towards the door. Nick followed her, conflict in his eyes. 

“Andy,” he reached out to grab her elbow as they strode through the hallway, but she pulled away. “Wait.” She turned, gazing coolly up at him. Looking down at her, he noticed the way her long eyelashes cast shadows across her cheek, and her deep brown eyes seemed to look right through him. It didn’t make what he had to say easier.

 

“We broke up.” His words hung in the air, and he winced, visibly, as the look of pity settled onto her face.

 

“Nick, I’m sorry,” Andy began, trailing off at his expression. She could see in his eyes that he didn’t want her sympathy, and bit her lip. “Tell you what, you’re driving. If you cry I’m revoking the offer.” Dropping the keys into his hand, she turned and walked away. Her arms itched to pull him into a hug, but she knew him well enough to know that wasn’t what he needed.

 

Having been mentally preparing himself for the onslaught of questions and condolences, Nick blinked at Andy’s reply. He looked down at the keys in his hand, and broke out in a grin. Relief flooded him and he started after Andy. Was it any wonder he was in love with her?

 

After a long, but playful shift of easy banter and traffic stops, Nick and Andy laughed as they entered the station. A quick shove from Andy had Nick falling sideways, pulling her down on top of him as he fell. They landed in a heap of tangled limbs on the floor. Not at all minding the feeling of Andy’s weight on top of him, Nick lay still for a moment, pretending to be unconscious.

 

“Nick?” Andy’s voice was suspicious, and he couldn’t suppress a devilish grin as she poked him in the chest. He felt, rather than heard, her laughter vibrating through her body. With his face pressed to the ground, Nick opened his eyes to see a pair of worn black leather boots. His gaze followed the denim clad legs up to the surly face of Sam Swarek, who cleared his throat.

 

Andy struggled to free her legs from Nicks, aware of the intimate position in which they had landed. At first glance, Sam seemed less than impressed with what he saw, but then, Andy thought, they were probably just in his way.

 

“I know you were out of the office for a while McNally,” Sam looked bemusedly down at the pair, then offered her his hand, “but you can get a hell of alot more work done when you aren’t lying on the floor.” Andy grabbed the hand he held out, and pulled herself up, feeling a flush creep up her neck. She turned to help up Nick, but he was already standing. Facing back toward Sam, she gave a casual shrug.

 

“You were the one who taught me that it helps to have a new perspective.” She flashed him a quick smile, and his answering smirk triggered a lurch in her stomach. She wondered absently how long it would take before she could see him and not feel this way. Fake it till you make it, she remembered grimly, and stepped around him.

 

“You coming?” She asked Nick, who had watched the exchange quietly. He seemed to let out a breath, then gave Sam an apologetic glance.

 

“See you, Swarek.” Nick gave a half wave then followed after Andy.

 

“See you.” Sam mumbled quietly, as he watched the pair of them stroll towards the lockers, Nick’s arm around Andy’s waist. A bitter taste in his mouth, Sam made a stop on his way out of the station. Sticking his head into Best’s office, he gave his staff Sergeant a winning smile.

 

“Hey sarge, I’ve got nomination for desk duty next rotation,” he announced, turning his keys over in his palm. Best eyed him suspiciously, then leaned forward, his hands twined together on his desk.

 

“Yeah, who’d you have in mind?” The dark stripes on his shoulders contrasted boldly against the white of his uniform, giving him the look of the authority he had recently acquired. Sam let a smirk flash across his dark features before stifling it with a neutral expression.

 

“Collins,” He said innocently, “kid was sleeping in parade this morning.”


	3. Like Old Times

Blinking against the sun streaming in through the open window, Sam rolled onto his side and reached out to find an empty bed. The sheets were still warm, and he could hear the steady waterfall of his shower. With a quick sigh, he staggered out of bed, following the sound of the water. The steam hit him as he opened the bathroom door, and he could barely make out the silhouette of a curvy brunette as she washed the dark hair that fell to her lower back. With a grin, he slid into the shower behind her. 

Marlo smirked as she felt Sam’s arms twine around her neck, the feeling of his lips on her shoulder raised goosebumps on her olive skin.

 

“Sam-” her voice was cut off as he spun her around and pressed his mouth to hers, his hands gripping her back. Her head fell back as his tongue trailed down her neck. “Sam,”

 

“Shh.” He ignored her half hearted attempts to push him away, and pulled her closer, breathing in the floral perfume of her shampoo. He had always preferred sweet fruity scents on a woman, but somehow the formality of floral suited Marlo. She pushed at him again, this time succeeding in creating a space between them.

 

“Sam, I have to go to airport. I’m picking up Jane today, remember?” She held her hand against his chest, but it felt more like a warning than a comfort. He backed off. Marlo dropped her arm and gave him an apologetic smile.

 

“Right,” Sam nodded, he remembered her telling him that her friend from the West Coast was coming out. He also remembered her telling him that Jane would be staying with her for the week, and keeping Marlo pretty busy. “I guess this is the most I’ll see of you for a week then. Better make it count.” He stepped towards her and she sidestepped him, stepping out of the shower onto the mat. 

 

“I can’t. Sorry, I’m already late.” She leaned forwards to give him a quick kiss, then disappeared into the bedroom, leaving Sam alone in the shower. Irritated, he grabbed the soap a little too aggressively, and it shot forward onto the floor. He bent to pick it up, grumbling, and crashed face first into the hard stone wall. 

 

“Shit!” He grabbed the door handle to steady himself, and stepped out to the mirror, to asses the damage. A trickle of blood ran steadily from his temple, which throbbed. Grabbing one of Marlo’s white face cloths to stem the flow, he wrapped a towel around his waist and headed towards the closet. Today was just going to be one of those days.

 

“Just don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Andy shot a glance at Traci and stepped out of the car. “He’s a Peck, they’re all trouble.” She raised her voice as she said it, giving Gail a winning smile as she walked past them through the parking lot. Gail turned to give her the finger, then continued inside. Traci laughed and fell in step beside Andy.

 

“I know, he’s been so great though. You should have seen the way he was with Noelle. He kind of saved the day.” She gave Andy a questioning look, almost asking for permission. Sadness twinged in Andy’s chest as she realized Traci was wondering if it was okay to move on. Jerry had been a huge part of her life, and she knew Traci carried his death with her. Maybe she always would, but Andy knew he would have wanted Traci to be happy, to make a life for her and Leo. She sighed.

 

“Well he can’t be worse than Gail.” Traci grinned, and shook her head. 

 

“Oh, Swarek at one o’clock. He looks pissed.” Traci gestured at a gray truck, from which the dark haired detective emerged, looking very surly. Traci gave Andy an inquisitive glance, wondering whether they were still avoiding him. Andy shrugged.

 

“I can’t avoid him forever right? I might as well start making good on that whole friends thing. I’ll see you inside.” She gave her friend a wave and headed towards Sam, her heart fluttering nervously. As she got closer, Sam looked up, and Andy noticed a deep gash on his head, still slightly bleeding. 

 

“Oh my god, what happened?” She closed the last few feet between them at a run, and gently grabbed his face to turn the bloody side towards her. She wasn’t oblivious to the fact that he smelled amazing, obviously fresh out of the shower. The cut was deep and long, the fact that it was still trickling blood suggested that it would probably need stitches. Sam swatted at her and she smacked his hands away, resisting his attempts to escape her grip.

 

“Knock it off, McNally, I’m fine. It’s just a scratch.” He reached up and grabbed her hands, pulling them of his face. He turned to face her, and was surprised to see those beautiful brown eyes wide with fear. “Seriously Andy, I just fell in the shower.” He realized he was still holding her hands, and dropped them awkwardly. 

 

“I think you need stitches,” Her voice was steady, but her heart was pounding and she prayed he couldn’t hear it. “Come on let me take you to the hospital, we can be back before shift starts.” She hated saying it, wishing she could tell him to take the day off, but she knew he would never agree to that. When he rolled his eyes at her, she was struck with an idea. “Don’t make me call Monica.”

 

Sam eyed her irritably, as much as he knew she would hate to see Monica, she wasn’t bluffing. He was surprised to find himself touched that she would do that for him. Still, he hesitated. 

 

“Sam” She groaned, exasperated. Resigned, he stepped backwards and gestured towards the truck. She smiled and her hand struck out to swipe the keys from his hand. “You could have a concussion. I’m driving.” She strode confidently to the door and hopped up easily into the drivers seat. He wondered why her familiarity with his truck was so appealing to him. Once again, he found himself in the passengers seat, yet somehow he didn’t mind so much this time. As he looked over at Andy he felt the aggravation he’d been carrying all morning slowly ebb away, replaced with a sense of contentment he couldn’t explain. Even the pain in his head lessened a little. He closed his eyes and heard his truck roar to life.

 

“Be careful of the-”

 

“Brakes, yeah I know.” Andy cut off his warning before he could get it out. Sam grinned despite himself, and between the low growling of his engine, and the familiar smell of Andy’s coconut shampoo, he drifted off to sleep.


	4. Some Kind of Thanks

As she pulled up at a red light, it occurred to Andy that Sam was being unnaturally compliant considering he was being taken to the hospital. Stealing a sideways glance, Andy felt a pang of alarm as she saw Sam’s head lolled to the side, his breathing deep and even.

 

“Damnit Sam!” She shouted in irritation, and reached over to give him a hard shove. When he didn’t wake, she signalled and pulled over to the side of the road. Checking for oncoming cars, Andy jumped from the cab and raced around to the passenger side. She yanked the door open, and climbed up beside Sam. He didn’t even start as she shook him, and she felt her heart give a little lurch. Pull yourself together, she thought, and took a deep breath. Shifting so she was sitting in his lap, she drew her arm back and slapped him, hard. The resounding crack was loud enough to startle her, but when Sam’s eyes flew open, accompanied with a low moan, she sat back in relief. To prevent him from seeing her shaking hands, she slid out of his lap, back onto the pavement. He winced as he turned his head slowly to look at her.

 

“What was that for?” He sounded disoriented, but indignant. Andy just shook her head. Walking back to her side of the truck, she took a moment to let out a shaky breath and collect herself. When she hopped back into the car she was calm, at least outwardly.

 

“Just shut up.” She didn’t even look at him for the rest of the drive, though she listened intently to his breathing in case he fell back asleep. She’d had a moment, just one, where she had been genuinely afraid that she had lost him. As soon as he opened his eyes she had sobered up to realize that he was no longer hers to lose. It was supposed to get easier, she mused, seeing the person who broke your heart everyday. Working with your ex forced you to face your emotions head on, and you either got over them, or you didn’t. She refused to be one of those people who couldn’t move on, and this day was just the push she needed. Sam wasn’t hers to look after anymore. She loved him, Andy knew that much, but maybe it was time for a little more distance.

 

As they pulled into the parking lot at the hospital, Andy turned to Sam, and shut off the truck. He hadn’t broken her silence, and she assumed he didn’t care whether she spoke to him or not. It was yet another blow to her bruised heart, it hurt just as much as the others. She barely met his eyes, but even from that she could see how out of it he was. Distance would have to wait. She waited for the slam of his door, and frowned in concern as he took a wide turn towards the emergency room. The mix of dried and fresh blood on his head, plus his unsteady footing gave him the look of an accident victim. Andy rushed forward to catch him as he stumbled. His weight was almost too much for her, but she gritted her teeth and slipped her arm around his waist.

 

Sam felt uncomfortably out of control as Andy lead him to a chair and grabbed some forms from the desk. The room spun unpleasantly, and the throbbing in his head had intensified when he woke up from his little nap. He was sure he could thank Andy and her not so gentle slap to the face for that. Not that he had minded waking up to her sitting in his lap. A smirk escaped and he winced, feeling the sting of where she had slapped him. He would be surprised if there wasn’t a bright red handprint across his jaw. He turned towards her, and studied the angry set of her face, eyes narrowed as she scribbled on the clipboard a nurse had given her. She hadn’t spoken to him at all after telling him to shut up, and he wondered if she felt roped in to staying with him.

 

“McNally,” He cleared his throat, and she looked up from a question about his medical insurance with a cool stare. “You don’t have to stay. I’m fine, I’ll be a good boy and get the stitches I swear.” Andy just rolled her eyes.

 

“First of all, I don’t believe you. You’re obviously not fine, and I know if I leave you here you’ll just drive yourself right back to the station. Secondly, I’m not going anywhere. I’m keeping my eye on you.” With that she turned back to the forms, and Sam let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. She was right, he didn’t feel fine. In fact, he was sure he had a concussion from the nausea and searing pain in his head. He would never admit that he was glad to have her there, but he was. She stood up suddenly, and he raised his eyebrows at her.

 

“You in a hurry? Because we could be here for a while. I’m not high priority like, say, that guy.” Sam gestured towards a young man who had just been rolled in, what looked like the handle of a switch blade protruding from his chest. Andy cringed.

 

“I’m just going to go drop these off, and make a phone call. Don’t even think about falling asleep while I’m gone.” She strode towards the desk, and Sam leaned back in his chair.

 

“Man, you lucked out.” The voice came from Sam’s left, and he swivelled to discover a handsome young blonde wearing a sling across his right shoulder. “That’s your girl?” His shocking blue eyes were trained on Andy’s backside as she bent over the front desk, talking to the nurse. Sam felt a twinge of annoyance.

 

“Uh, no she’s not my girl. She’s just my...” He was about to say rookie, then realized she hadn’t been for two years. “Colleague.” Was that all she was to him now? It didn’t seem to fit, but it was all he had.

 

“Dustin.” The blonde held out his good hand, and Sam shook it. He had the calluses, and the build, of someone with a physical job. “That’s a nasty looking mark there, bro.” He pointed towards Sam’s head.

 

“Sam. Yeah I, uh, fell into a wall.” He turned forwards in hopes of discouraging further conversation, but Dustin persisted.

 

“I was talking about that handprint on the side of your face.” Dustin smirked. “Is that the handiwork of your, what did you call her, your colleague?” When Sam looked for Andy as he struggled with his irritation with Dustin, he realized she had disappeared.

 

“Yeah. Andy’s got a bit of a temper.” He didn’t feel like talking to this moron any longer, and stood up, quickly enough to get an unpleasant head rush.

 

“Andy huh? Well if you guys aren’t together, what would you say to giving me her number?” Dustin flashed Sam a winsome smile, and Sam felt his fist twitch. Why was he so annoyed? McNally could date whoever she wanted, and she was, he realized, remembering the display her and Collins put on back at the station. He gave Dustin a pat on his slinged shoulder, maybe a little harder than was necessary, and shrugged.

 

“Hey if you see her, you can ask her yourself. I’m gonna hit the can.” He walked away, trying to shake the possessive anger he felt at the image of Andy and Dustin, or Collins, together. Irritated with himself, he set out to find her.

 

After dropping off Sam’s paperwork, Andy headed outside to make a phone call, not wanting to disobey the no cell phone signs that papered the hospital walls. Typing the number from memory, she leaned against the wall and let out a breath. The day had barely begun and she was already exhausted.

 

“Hello?” The voice on the line brought her back, and she rubbed her face tiredly.

 

“Hey, look, I’m at the hospital and I might be here a while. Can you tell Frank I’m gonna be late for shift?”

 

“Are you okay? Why are you at the hospital? What happened?” The concern in Nick’s voice touched her, and Andy smiled despite herself.

 

“I’m fine. Sam had an accident this morning, I just brought him in to get stitches, and checked out for a concussion.” She could hear Nick letting out a sigh of relief, and found herself wishing he was there to cheer her up. He’d always had a knack for making her laugh. 

 

“What’d Swarek do?” Nick sounded relieved, clearly not worried about what had happened to Sam.

 

“He fell in the shower.” In her preoccupied state, Andy didn’t realize how it sounded until Nick fell silent on the other end. “Uh, in his shower. At his house, obviously. I didn’t see him until I got to work and his head was bleeding.” She was babbling, like she always did when she was uncomfortable. She didn’t know why she felt the need to explain herself to Nick. 

 

“Look, I’ve got to go. Oliver wants me to get him shawarma from that place that’s only open for forty-five minutes during lunch, but do you want to get a drink tonight? There was something I wanted to talk to you about.” His tone was casual, too casual, and Andy picked up on it. Curious, she decided it couldn’t hurt. 

 

“Yeah sure, I can meet you at ten? I still have your shirt anyways, I keep forgetting to bring it to you.” When they were undercover, some of his things had gotten mixed up with hers, and she kept finding them as she gradually unpacked.

 

“I’ll pick you up at ten, see you then.”

 

“Okay, see you at ten.” Andy hung up and turned to head back inside. As she looked up from her phone, she came face to face with Sam. “How long have you been standing there?” She didn’t like the smug smile on his face, or the way it made her feel like she’d been caught doing something wrong.

 

“Oh, not too long. Was that Collins?” His voice matched his expression, smug and arrogant. It didn’t sit well with Andy. “How long have you two been sleeping together?” He imagined the two of them cozy together during their months undercover. Months that Sam had been trying desperately to move on from Andy. It drove him crazy, irrational anger turning him into an asshole. He knew he was being unfair, he knew his words would hurt her, but he couldn’t stop.

 

Stunned at his accusation, and the depth that it wounded her, Andy took a step back.

 

“That’s cozy, convenient. You moved on pretty fast, but hey, you guys were shacked up anyways.” His fake smile strained his face, and he hated himself for what he was doing to her, he could see the pain and betrayal in her face. He struggled to rein himself in. “Wait Andy, that was out of line-” He reached out and she held up a finger.

 

“Don’t.” Her hand shook, and he could see her eyes shining. Regret crashed into him, and he retreated a step.

 

“Are you going to slap me again?” He joked half heartedly, but Andy didn’t smile.

 

“You’re not even worth it.” Her voice was low and flat, it hit Sam in the stomach as he realized the damage he had done. With that, she turned and walked away, leaving him standing alone.


	5. Don't Think, Just Do

  


               When Sam emerged from the hospital, sewn back together and cleared for duty, he headed towards his truck. He was more than a little surprised to see Andy waiting inside. He briefly wondered if this meant she had forgiven him, but her expression as he neared her suggested otherwise. She started the truck as he hopped inside, and pulled out of the spot without a word. Sam wasn’t sure if she would talk to him, but decided to try anyways.

  


               “I thought you had left.” He studied the face he knew so well, set in unfamiliar serious lines. He had never liked to see her like this, and the guilty knot in his stomach tightened.

  


               “Yeah, well I wasn’t sure if you would be okay to drive, so.” Her voice was flat and alien to Sam, he had never been frozen out like this before. He was about to apologize again as his phone shrieked in his pocket. Wincing at the flash of pain in his head, he held it up to his ear.

  


               “Hey.” He turned to face the window, not that Andy was paying any attention to him.

  


               “Hey. How’s work?” Marlo’s voice barely made it through the terrible connection.

  


               “I, uh, haven’t quite made it there yet.” He didn’t offer an explanation, and Marlo didn’t ask. He’d realized early on in their relationship that she wasn’t really one for sharing. Their conversations were superficial and sparse, and it had never really bothered Sam. Their relationship was fine the way it was.

  


               “Oh, okay,” Marlo sounded distracted, and Sam waited patiently for her to get to the point. “Hey, I think I left my straightener on, in the bathroom. Could you run back and check?” Sam felt a brief twinge of annoyance, he was already late for shift. He sighed and absentmindedly ran his fingers over his stitches.

  


               “Yeah. Okay. I gotta go, I’ll call you later.” Sam hit the end button before Marlo could reply, and dropped his phone into his lap. He looked up just as they reached the station, and Andy cut the engine. She reached to pull the keys from the ignition, but Sam grabbed her hand.

  


               “Just leave the keys, I have to head home to check something anyways.” Andy recoiled as he grabbed her, and it hurt Sam enough to have him pull away. He was very aware of exactly how badly he had screwed up, and it frustrated him. Despite them not being together he had been glad to have Andy back in his life when her UC work ended. The idea of her not talking to him at all struck real fear into him. He needed her. As she turned and swung the truck door open, Sam scrambled for the right thing to say, anything to close the distance she had put between them. He had nothing. “Andy-” She glanced back, waiting.

  


               “Thank you. For today.” It was the best he could do, he knew even if he could find the apology within him she wouldn’t hear it, not yet. Time and space, he remembered, she hated them, but maybe that was what she needed. Andy nodded curtly and stepped down onto the asphalt.

  


               “No problem.” She slammed the door in his face and once again walked away without a backwards glance. Sam sighed and slid into the drivers seat. He found himself wishing he had stayed in bed .

  


               As the clock neared ten, Andy grabbed the blazer off the back of her couch, and glanced quickly in the mirror. After she’d gotten off work, Dov and Chloe had stopped by to ask for help moving Chloe into her new place. Reeling her in with the promise of pizza and beer, she’d barely gotten back in time to shower and throw on a fresh pair of jeans. In an attempt to dress it up a little she’d donned a low cut blue halter top that she hadn’t worn in years. Clearly her bust had expanded a little, from the amount of cleavage now spilling out of it, but it wasn’t indecent and given the fact that someone was knocking at her door, she didn’t have time to change. She threw on the blazer and swung open the door. Nick stood, looking nervous, his eyebrows shooting upwards as he took in her outfit.

  


               “You look nice.” He meant it, as he inwardly marveled at how sexy she could look in a pair of jeans. She smiled sheepishly and shook her head.

  


               “You’re being sarcastic. I should change, right?” She place a hand on her chest, shielding the impressive amount of cleavage on display. Nick shook his head forcefully.

  


               “No, you look great.” He grabbed her hand and dragged her away from the door and towards his jeep. “In fact I really like that outfit.” Andy laughed and smacked him playfully.

  


               “Yeah, I bet.” She slid into the car and let her head fall back to rest against the window. Her eyelids felt heavy and she struggled to keep them open. “So, what’s the mystery topic of this talk you wanted to have?” She faced him and raised her eyebrows. For some reason he looked nervous. Andy got the sense the talk was slightly more important than she had previously assumed, and tried to wake herself up.

  


               “We can talk about it when we get to the Penny, I want to hear about why you were three hours late today.” Nick gave Andy a charming smile, and she ignored the obvious subject change.

  


               “I don’t really want to talk about Sam.” She shrugged and looked out the window, trying to push the memories from the morning out of her mind. The resentment flared in her stomach, and she suppressed it. The last thing she wanted was to relive that conversation.

  


Nick turned to look at Andy, and noted the tense set of her shoulders and the creases on her forehead. He was curious, but he didn't want to push her. Besides, talking about Swarek wasn't exactly going to make the conversation he had planned easier. He knew there were some unresolved issues between the two of them, but he really didn't know the extent of it. Part of him wanted to know what he was up against.

  


"How about some music?" He reached over and punched at the radio, filling the car with a blast of classic rock. Andy laughed and swiped at the volume control.

  


"What are you, sixteen? You're going to go deaf if you keep that up." Even as she said it, her head bobbed along with the beat. Soon enough she was humming.

  


"Oh, no." Nick glanced at his passenger, who was starting to sing under her breath, and grabbed to change the station, but it was too late. Andy belted out the first line of the chorus, and swiveled to face him, one hand on his cheek.

  


"It feels like the first time," She was practically yelling in his face and Nick found himself wiping tears from his eyes as he laughed. The road was a blur, but her energy was contagious and the laughter took over.

  


"Andy, stop. You're a really terrible singer." His pleading, when he finally caught his breath long enough, was weak.

  


"It feels like the very first time! Woo!" She pumped a fist in the air and dissolved into peals of laughter just as they pulled into the parking lot of the Penny. Nick felt the grin stretching from ear to ear as he shook his head and snorted. In no way was what he had just witnessed a serenade, but he had to admit he was smitten. He undid his seat belt and turned around just in time to see Andy lean forwards.

  


"Thanks for-" Andy didn't get a chance to finish her sentence, she was cut off by Nick's mouth on hers, his hand on her face. Shocked, she didn't pull away, and he took that as permission. Moving his hands down to her hips, Nick pulled Andy into his lap, and pressed her forwards, straight into the horn. The loud blast startled them apart, and Andy stared at him with wide eyes.

  


"We should go inside." She mumbled as she reached for the door handle and slid off Nick's lap onto the concrete. He nodded, his mind still in the kiss. Andy bit her lip and turned towards the Penny, about to make a beeline for the door when a shock of platinum blonde hair caught her eye just to the left. Her heart sank in her chest. She started towards the girl, but she took off and disappeared through the back door to the bar. Just then, Andy realized Nick had caught up to her and was gazing concernedly down at her.

  


"Andy," he was tentative, not wanting to freak her out even more. He knew the kiss had been a mistake, surprising her like that, but he hadn't been able to help himself. "What's wrong?" She looked up at him, her big brown eyes full of guilt, and he had a feeling he knew who she had seen. She turned away from him and crossed her arms in front of her chest. When she opened her mouth, Nick had an urge to grab her and continue what they had started in the Jeep.

"Gail." She muttered, and she headed into the Penny without another word.

  


  Heading straight for the bathroom, Andy pushed the door open, and ushered out the only other inhabitant. In the silence that followed, she could hear breathing in the last stall. “Gail? Gail, I know you’re in there.” She stood outside the door and knocked softly. She had to step back as it swung open in her face.


	6. Keep Your Friends Close

“Yes?” Gail emerged with a pleasant smile that chilled Andy, and made the pit in her stomach even worse. 

 

“Gail, I want to talk about what you saw, it’s not what you think.” She followed Gail to the sink, and leaned against the wall, opening her mouth to defend herself.

 

“It looked like you were kissing my ex-boyfriend.” Gail turned to Andy, and nudged her out of the way to reach the paper towels. The cordial tone of her voice made Andy even more nervous. She knew this side of Gail, and she knew what it meant. “Andy, Nick and I broke up. He’s fair game now, right?” It unnerved Andy how Gail could manage to show all her teeth when she smiled.

 

“You’ve only been broken up for, like, less than a day. And I know how it looks, I do. But he kissed me. And there’s nothing going on between us, or there wasn’t before today. I would never do that to you.” Andy had been watching Gail as she spoke, though her face remained impassive.

 

“But you did.” With that, Gail shoved past Andy, who thought she saw the glimmer of tears in her eyes. Once she was gone, Andy stayed absolutely still, breathing heavily and fighting the pressure behind her eyelids. She hadn’t wanted Nick to kiss her, it had just happened. She hadn’t pushed him away, though. And as she could still feel his lips on hers, she knew that meant something. Once she had collected herself enough to face the crowd, she went to find Nick.

 

Nick had grabbed them a table while Andy was in the bathroom, and she spotted him just as he sat down with two shots of tequila. Andy sat across from him and raised her eyebrows.

 

“Tequila?” She asked, as she pulled her shot towards her. Nick smiled.

 

“Honestly, I thought the stronger the better, considering.” He raised his glass, and Andy mirrored him before they both down their drinks. Making a face, he had never really gotten used to the taste, Nick grabbed Andy’s hand on the table and signalled the server for two more. Andy glanced warily down at their hands on the table, Nick saw and pulled his away.

 

“Nick…” Andy was at a loss of what to say. She could still feel his hands on her hips, and see the look in his eyes when they had broken apart. She knew he was already invested in this, and she didn’t know how she felt about it. “I think I just, I just need some time, you know? To… process.” She half expected him to try and convince her, to tell her why they needed to be together, but he just nodded.

 

“Yeah, okay. I’m not going anywhere, though. Take your time, Andy, I’ll still be here when you’re ready.” Their second round of shots arrived, and Andy grabbed hers and tossed it back without waiting. She grabbed Nick’s too, and swallowed that, as well. Nick just smiled. “I’m going to go get us a few more of those, sit tight.” He strode towards the bar, and returned with a pair of shot glasses, and a bottle of tequila. Andy stared.

 

“If I didn’t know better, I would say you’re trying to get me drunk.” She gave him an appraising look. He laughed and poured her a shot, handing it to her.

 

“Right now, we’re just friends, right? It’s been a long time since we got drunk together. We faked it once, undercover. Let’s blow off some steam.” He sighed when Andy pushed the shot back towards the center of the table. “I’ll keep my hands to myself, scouts honor.” She nodded and grabbed the shot, holding it up.

 

“To us, whatever we are.” She suggested. Nick grinned, and raised his glass. They both downed their shots.

 

Two hours later, a very drunk Nick poured an equally drunk Andy into a cab. As she watched him in the rearview window, even in her inebriated state, she felt a small pang of anxiety about the decision she was clearly going to have to make. But by the time the car pulled up in front of her house, she had long forgotten about it. In fact, she was barely awake. The cabbie gently roused her, and when she dug in her purse for her wallet, he shook his head.

 

“It’s on me, officer.” He gave her a wink, and she was too drunk to insist. Helping her up the stairs, he waited until he found her keys, and then drove off with a wave. Smiling to herself, Andy turned towards the door, and fumbled with her keys. As she brought them to the lock, she missed, and after a few more tries, finally gave up and set her keys aside to look for her phone. Upon glancing at it, the numbers swam in front of her eyes. She closed one and squinted with the other, hoping to make sense of it. When that failed, she just hit redial, not sure who her last phone call would have been to, or from, but much too drunk to care. A male voice picked up on the other end, but Andy was too distracted by the knife that was suddenly pressing against her throat to identify it, or respond. With a clatter, she dropped it to the ground.

 

“Pick it up,” A voice hissed into her ear, and the knife dug a little deeper into her skin. “Tell them you’re fine, that you dialed them accidentally. And don’t try anything.” The hand that had clamped around her mouth around the same time the knife had appeared, eased away. And Andy crouched slowly to pick up the phone. She put it to her ear, and instantly recognized the worry coming over the line.

 

“Sam,” she breathed. Hope flooded her, but she suppressed it when she felt the knife press harder into her throat. “I- pocket dialed you.” She did her best to sound normal. but her windpipe was being crushed, and her usually-raspy voice came out roughly. There was a pause on the other end.

 

“Look, I’m really sorry about what I said at the hospital. I was out of line. Whatever you and Collins are doing, it’s none of my business.” Regret was plain in his voice, and Andy felt despair setting in. She loved him, after everything, and she would never get to see him again. She wiggled subtly in her attackers arms, and felt the cold muzzle of a gun against the exposed part of her back. Fear began to creep into her system, and she struggled against the alcohol induced haze around her brain.

 

“Shut him up, and get off the phone!” The voice in her ear was definitely male, but she didn’t recognize it at all. Taking as deep a breath as her currently constricted position would allow, Andy gripped the phone tighter to her ear. It didn’t matter now, she was going to die anyways.

 

“Alright, bye, I love you.” She whispered into the phone, and hung up with a hollow feeling. She wondered if Sam would realize something was wrong, or if he would assume, rightly, that she was simply drunk. Half of her hoped he would just stay, safely, at home. The gun in her back poked her, and the attacker pushed her towards the door. She heard the jingling of keys, and realized she had left her keys on the railing when she was looking for her phone. Sure enough, a large hand holding a 9mm appeared in front of her, and slid the keys into her lock. With a steady hand, he unlocked the door and pushed Andy inside. When they were both securely inside, he seemed to relax, and turned Andy to face him, while keeping a firm hold on her hand. The face that Andy saw when she turned around was vaguely familiar, and she let out a breath of surprise.

 

“I know you,” She mumbled, her drunken brain clumsily searching for the information to match the face of the muscular blond standing before her. The recognition came like a bolt of lightning, though it didn’t make any sense to Andy. “You were at the hospital today.” He let out a delighted laugh, and nodded manically.

 

“You remember me, good. My name’s Dustin.”


	7. A Fighter

Sam stared at the phone in his hand, wondering if he had heard Andy correctly, or if it had even really been her. He shook his head. He knew her voice well enough, he knew without a doubt it had been Andy. He also knew she had been drinking, a lot, as he’d seen her at the Penny with Nick when he had dropped by to see Oliver. As much guilt as he felt for the way he had attacked her earlier, Sam couldn’t deny there was something going on with her and Collins. He’d seen their hands together on the table, and the way Collins had looked at her. He hadn’t been able to see Andy’s face, but he was glad. If she’d been returning the look Collins had been giving her, Sam wasn’t sure he could have handled seeing it. His memory of the morning only made him more confused as to the phone call. She had been so angry with him, he was sure she was going to freeze him out for days, maybe even weeks. It wasn’t unlike Andy to forgive and forget so easily, but Sam had seen how hurt she had been. It wasn’t adding up.

 

It was one thing for Andy to forgive him, but to call, just to tell him she still loved him? And then hang up without a word? Andy had always been big on talking, big on feelings. It hadn’t suited Sam, who always ran from his emotions, always afraid of getting in over his head. He had been, with her. He had loved her, he still loved her, but he hadn’t even been able to tell her until she was standing seconds away from death, an active grenade in her hand. It made him a coward, he was well aware of it. But Andy, she had always been the type to blurt out how she felt. The thing was, she wouldn’t have just hung up. She would have waited for Sam to say something, and if he hadn’t she would have talked, just babbled, to fill the silence. It was how she was. Her emotions bubbled over the surface and she couldn’t stop talking, Sam suspected she was afraid that if she did, she would hear something she didn’t want to.

 

And there was something about her voice, something off. She had that natural rasp, the one that got under Sam’s skin and could persuade him to do almost anything. But tonight, tonight it had been more than that, she almost sounded hoarse and quiet, like she couldn’t quite catch her breath. The knot that had formed in his stomach as he thought about it tightened. Something just wasn’t right. Making a decisions, Sam grabbed his keys and headed out the door.

 

\---

 

With a violent shove, Dustin hurled Andy onto the couch, and stood over top of her. She took in as many details as she could. Height, build, eye colour. Shocking blue, she mused, remembering seeing them in passing at the hospital that morning and admiring them. Now, the seemed almost luminescent in the energy behind them. Part of her doubted that she would ever get a chance to give a description of him, but the cop in her willed her to think as rationally as she could. She glanced past Dustin, to her bedroom. In the lockbox under her bed was the gun she kept at home. She wondered if she would be able to reach it before he caught up to her, then she remembered he had a gun as well. If she ran, she would never make it as far as her bed. She raised her eyes back to his, and suppressed a shiver at the way his hungry eyes roamed her body.

 

Dustin stared unabashed down at Andy, taking in the way her hair tumbled over her shoulders. He reached out, sighing as Andy recoiled from him, and grabbed a fistful of her hair. Yanking her forwards, he pulled her face forward and held it inches from his.

 

“When I saw you today, I knew I had to have you.” His face was set in a serene smile, but his eyes shone with something that suggested violence. One of his fingers caressed Andy’s jaw, and she resisted the urge to reach out and slap it away. She knew better than to make him angry. 

 

“What do you want?” She was afraid she knew the answer, but she needed to stall him, needed to figure out how to get away from him long enough to make it to her gun. The hand in her hair trailed down towards her waist, and settled in the small of her back. Ever so gently, Dustin pulled her towards him. His breath was warm in her face, and Andy felt the fear she had been pushing away seep to the surface. Her heart stuttered in her chest, the answer to her question clear in his face. He wasn’t just going to kill her, what he had in mind was much worse. Unable to move at all, Andy just watched his face get closer and closer, until he crushed his lips to hers. The moment she felt his mouth on hers, Andy snapped out of the paralysis that had been pinning her to the couch. 

 

“Don’t.” She shoved at Dustin, not caring that he had a gun. She wasn’t going to be a victim, like all those girls in every case she ever worked. She couldn’t be helpless and just sit there, watching herself be stripped of her dignity, and her clothes. She would rather die. “I’m not going to beg you.”

 

Dustin sat back in surprise, and an ugly sneer crept over his face as he recovered.

 

“Oh, really?” He grabbed another fistful of her hair, and pressed his gun against her temple. “Because I think you are.” Andy heard, and felt, the blow to her head, and for a moment she wondered if he had actually shot her. As the spots in front of her eyes disappeared, she realized he had pistol whipped her. Her mouth filled with blood, and she spat it onto her brand new white carpet. For some reason, as she stared at the red stain, it filled her with anger. “Beg, bitch.”

 

Whipping around before Dustin could see it coming, Andy smacked the gun out of his hand, and it clattered to the floor outside her bedroom door. If she could just get to it, she didn’t need to worry about retrieving her own. As she tried, unsteadily, to push herself to her feet, she felt another blow, this time to her lower back. Pain seared through her back, and she collapsed back to the floor. She could hear Dustin coming up behind her, and felt a vice-like grip clamp around her ankle. With surprising strength, he jerked her backwards, and she found herself underneath him. She rammed her knee into his stomach, and he let out a moan but didn’t break his grip on her. All pretence of caring gone, he ripped at her shirt, and tore away what little fabric had been covering her chest. He managed an appreciative leer at the black lace he discovered. Squirming, trying to free herself, Andy had no hands to cover herself. At this point, modesty was the least of her concerns. Trying to knock him off of her, she smashed an elbow into the hand he was using to support himself, and he lost his balance.

 

Although Andy succeeded in breaking his grip on her, Dustin collapsed on top of her, and she found herself even more immobilised than before. His weight pinned her to the floor, and she could feel his erection pressing into her bare stomach. She felt pressure on the skin just under her belly button, and realized Dustin was unbuttoning her jeans. She growled in frustration, and rotated her shoulders, but it did nothing. Disgusted, Andy wrenched her hands out from under him with all her strength, shoved hard at him, and finally managed to roll him off her. Grunting, Dustin snaked out an arm and backhanded Andy across the face. The resounding crack startled her, and that combined with the blinding pain knocked her backwards into her coffee table. It collapsed under her weight, and she she lay, stunned, in the rubble. Dustin staggered to his feet and lumbered towards her. Certain she had broken at least a few ribs, Andy let out a whimper of pain as she tried to stand up. Failing, she lay back in the debris of her ruined coffee table, and stared at the hulking figure barreling towards her. She closed her eyes, unable to move under the crippling weight of her injuries. Waiting for the inevitable assault, time seemed to stop. She felt hands on her, they started roughly tugging at her jeans, almost causing her to black out with pain. She felt a rush of cold air, and knew what was coming next. As the hand shoved violently in between her and her underwear, she prayed that she would black out. Suddenly, it was gone, and she thought she had gotten her wish until she heard a crash. She struggled to open her eyes and the scene she took in made her wonder if she was hallucinating.

 

Sam stood in front of her, gun pointed at Dustin, who was glowering at him from the floor. The room swam a little, and Andy couldn’t suppress a moan. She felt like there was a massive weight on her chest, and she struggled to get a breath. As Andy tried to maintain her shallow breathing, Sam gestured at Dustin with his gun.

 

“I want you to get up, slowly. If you try anything, I will shoot you. Trust me, I want to.” Sam didn’t take his eyes off Dustin as he slowly rose to his feet. Carefully, Sam approached him, and yanked his arms behind his back, cuffing him. He shoved Dustin forwards, and walked him to the door. Stopping just inside, Sam glanced at Andy. He could barely recognize her, she was bruised and bloody, sprawled in a pile of debris. Just then, Oliver came rushing through the door, almost bumping right into Sam in his rush.

 

“I just got your message brother, I came as soon as I…” He trailed off as he caught sight of what was left of Andy. “Jesus.” He looked back at Sam, and almost recoiled at the rage burning in his eyes. “Do you want me to take him in for you, so you can stay with McNally?” He asked, hoping Sam would agree.

 

“Yeah. But I need a minute first. Stay with her, I already called the ambulance. I’ll be right back.” With a last glance at Andy, he pushed Dustin outside. Oliver rushed to Andy’s side, and felt for a pulse. With little relief, he found one, but it was weak. As he leaned over her, he heard a crackling noise. 

 

“Shit.” He turned to shout at Sam that she had a punctured lung, but was cut off before he could open his mouth by a howl from the front yard. It wasn’t Sam’s. “Shit.” He repeated. He could hear very well what was taking place in the front yard, and knew very well he should be stopping it, but he couldn’t. He understood, remembered holding a gun to the punk that had been messing with his daughter. Finally, a car door slammed, and Oliver heard Sam’s footsteps coming up the front steps. As Sam appeared in the door, Oliver stood, and averted his eyes from the blood on Sam’s knuckles. “She has a punctured lung. That ambulance better be close.” He shook his head and went out to the cruiser to keep an eye on Dustin. He didn’t want to leave before he knew Andy was on her way to the hospital.

 

Inside, Sam crouched down beside Andy, fighting the bile that rose in his throat. He reached out the touch her, but couldn’t see a piece of her that wasn’t bruised or bleeding. He couldn’t even feel the scrapes and bruises on his own hands over the pain in his chest as he looked at her.

 

“Andy,” He murmured, noting the blue tinge to her lips. Oliver was right. To his surprise, her eyes fluttered open, and though they were unfocused, they took in his face with scrutiny, and to his confusion, what looked like fear. They seemed to look right past him.

 

“Sam.” It was so quiet he almost missed it, but Andy sighed his name on a shallow breath. It was breaking his heart seeing her like this. He wanted to get up and march to the car and wring Dustin’s neck with his own hands. But Andy wouldn’t want it, he knew that. 

 

As his face swam before her eyes, Andy opened her mouth to say something, anything. She just wanted to thank him, she wanted to tell him she loved him. But nothing came out. Instead it fell open in horror, as she spotted the bloody figure looming behind him. She concentrated, and managed just to whisper his name in warning before Dustin was upon them. Sam swung backwards as Dustin grabbed his neck and pulled. Straightening up, Sam raised his head just in time to hear the shot ring out, and feel the impact of it in his chest. He flew backwards into the wall, and slumped onto the floor.

 

Andy tried to scream, but she couldn’t manage to get it out. She took in his body, sprawled across her hallway, unmoving. Something clicked in her brain. A switch, some last thing that was holding onto the remaining shreds of her sanity, flipped. As every nerve in her body protested, she somehow found herself standing. As she stumbled forwards, she heard another shot ring out. Tears running so thickly down her face that she could barely see, Andy drove the broken leg of her coffee table into Dustins stomach with all her remaining strength. He stared at her, almost in betrayal, as he fell to his knees, and onto the floor. Andy kicked the gun away from him, then collapsed as she tried to make her way towards Sam. As she lay on the floor, she realized the pool of blood beside her wasn’t Sam’s, it was hers. In fact, as she looked at him, she realized he wasn’t bleeding at all. That was when she saw the tell tale line of his bulletproof vest beneath his shirt. She let out half a sob of relief, which turned into a scream of excruciation as she looked down to see the hole in her gut, almost in the exact same spot as where she had stabbed Dustin. She had been shot, she realized, that second bullet had found its mark. As she lay her head on the ground next to Sam, and felt the world fade away as she watched the rise and fall of his chest, she didn’t regret any of it.

Sam came to just as Andy lot consciousness. His first impression was just of the pain, both in his head and his chest where the bullet had struck his vest. His second was of panic, and he looked wildly around for Dustin, spotting him lying bleeding out on the floor with a long piece of wood protruding from his stomach. Then he thought of Andy. He sat up so quickly the room spun, but he couldn’t see her anywhere. As he placed his hand behind him to push himself up, it slipped on something wet. Turning around, he froze in horror. Andy lay on her side, blood pooled around her, still oozing from the bullet wound in her abdomen. Her eyes were shut, the tears not yet dry on her cheeks. Breaking out of his horror, Sam reached forward to check her pulse. He dropped to his knees and pressed his ear to her chest. Still nothing. Grabbing his phone from his pocket, he placed the metal plated back of it directly in front of her mouth, waiting, hoping for it to fog. But there was no breath, no fog. Sam stared, paralyzed, at Andy’s unmoving form. It seemed like years passed between that moment and when the paramedics burst through the door. He fell back as they surrounded her, blocking her from view. He felt nothing as he watched them work. He couldn’t connect the body he had seen lying on the ground to Andy. It hadn’t looked like her, even though he knew it was, it was like looking at somebody else. Just then he was pulled out of his thoughts by the most insignificant of noises: a cough. But he heard it, and he knew it was her, even though it was impossible. He launched himself forward into the sea of paramedics, and found himself looking into his favorite pair of brown eyes for the shortest of moments before they closed again. 

 

“Impossible.” He muttered, glancing over at the paramedic nearest him. “I checked.” The paramedic nodded in understanding, then put a hand on his shoulder. 

 

“It was close,” The paramedic, a short asian woman, gave him a smile. “But she’s a fighter.” As Sam walked with Andy he marvelled at the truth to those words. He hadn’t seen it with his own eyes, any of it, but he knew Andy had fought for his life even when she couldn’t get the strength to save herself. he climbed into the back of the ambulance, grabbing Andy’s hand ever so gently. He didn’t let go of it as the ambulance doors swung shut, and the sobs finally escaped from his chest.


	8. Waiting

Sirens woke Andy from the blackness that had swallowed her. As she became aware of the crushing pain that seemed to emanate from every inch of her body, she slipped back into unconsciousness. Tortuously, she woke again a few minutes later, and again as she was rolled through the hallways of the hospital, fluorescent lighting burning orange against the eyelids she couldn’t quite managed to open. She wasn’t aware of Sam’s tear stained face, so intensely watching hers. She couldn’t see the ambulance that had pulled in behind her own unload the balding, middle aged man that had once been her training officer, and had always been her mentor. She was oblivious to the bloody gash on his head, and the fact that his breathing stopped just as his gurney wheeled by hers as he took in her condition. All she knew was pain. She struggled to fill her chest with air, each breath shorter than the last. As she fought to stay awake, she became aware of a pressure, something that was different. Something that was warm. It wasn’t that the pain had lessened, more that she had developed a threshold for it. But she recognized the feeling of a hand grasping hers. She flexed her fingers minutely, trying to squeeze the hand that held hers, trying to tell them that she was still fighting, but even that small exertion pushed her over the edge, back into the abyss.

 

Sam paced agitatedly around the waiting room, sitting for a moment before springing to his feet every time anyone resembling hospital staff passed by. Rubbing his face distractedly, Sam turned and leaned against the wall, almost jumping out of his skin at the tap on his shoulder.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you…. Sam?” He turned around to find himself looking into a very familiar blonde face.

 

“Monica?” Sam blinked, his sluggish brain finally forcing words from his mouth. She looked good, but all he could see was the look on her face. It was a genuine smile, the one she wore only when she could deliver good news. He recognized it from their time together, and breathed a sigh of relief. “She’s okay?”

 

Confusion flickered on Monica’s face, and Sam’s stomach filled with dread as she shook her head.

 

“I came to tell you that your friend, Oliver, he’s been all stitched up and cleared for visitors. He’s awake but he’s going to have to stay here, for observation, for a day or two.” She reached out to touch Sam’s arm, but he pulled away, not wanting to be comforted. He felt the relief swell briefly in his chest, then it was replaced by fear as he glanced down the hall where they had wheeled Andy nearly 2 hours before.

“Monica, what about Andy?” He didn’t know how to wait anymore. He could feel this pressure in his head, intensifying with every minute that went on. He wanted to see Andy, to watch her breathing, just to have her in front of him to see that she was still there. He thought if he had to go much longer not knowing what was happening to her that he might completely lose his mind. He felt his fists clench, and looked down in surprise at the flash of pain. He took in the sight of his bruised hands, covered in a mixture of his own blood and Andy’s with little interest. Monica, however, stepped forwards to grab one and pull it closer for inspection. She stared down at it, and Sam felt a surge of impatience. “Monica! Just-just tell me something. Anything.” He snatched his hand back, as he fought the wave of despair that had been lying just under the surface since he had arrived at Andy’s.

Monica studied his face for what seemed like years, then pulled Sam around the corner, into a private hallway. She glanced over her shoulder, before turning back to face him.

 

“You didn’t hear this from me, but there is a female gunshot patient, mid twenties, just down that hallway-no don’t even try it, you’ll just get kicked out.” She reached out to grab him as he swivelled his head in the direction she pointed, knowing what he was thinking. “I didn’t get a name, but I’m pretty sure it’s her. If it was, she wasn’t in good shape, Sam.” Sam slumped against the wall as she spoke, the hope that he had been clinging to wavered. 

 

“I need to see her.” Monica shook her head, holding Sam back as he tried once again to push past her down the hallway.

 

“Listen to me. Andy is going to be in surgery for a while. There is nothing you can do for her right now, you would just be in the way. You should go see Oliver, he was asking for you. I promise, I’ll keep an eye on Andy’s status and I’ll come find you as soon as there is anything to tell.” She gave him a look, and as much as Sam wanted to fight his way towards the operating room, he nodded. She was right. He held out his arm, gesturing that he would follow her to Oliver’s room, then fell defeatedly into step behind her.

 

\---

 

Oliver was gazing spacily up at the ceiling when Sam walked in. His head was pleasantly fuzzy from the painkillers he’d been given, but one look at his friend told him exactly what he had been afraid to ask the nurse.

 

“Hey, brother.” He greeted Sam softly, wincing slightly at the volume of his own voice. Sam grinned, though it froze on his face as the guilt began to creep in. It was because of him that Oliver had been there in the first place. He’d seen Dustin at the hospital, he should have known that there was something off about the amount of attention he’d paid to Andy. He sank into the chair beside Oliver’s bed, and leaned forward.

 

“I guess it’s a good thing you have such a hard head. How are you feeling ?” Sam folded his hands in his lap, fighting the urge to fidget with the pocket watch he still carried with him.

 

“Hey, none of that Sammy.” Oliver’s tone was stern, and Sam looked at him warily, wondering exactly how many painkillers he had been given. “I know you. I can see all that guilt and angst you’re bottling up in there. It wasn’t your fault, man.” He shook his head wearily. 

 

Sam’s hand slipped around the watch in his pocket, the cold metal a reminder of the friend he had already lost. The guilt from that day still lingered, mixed with fresh guilt from this night. He gave Oliver a tense smile, and got to his feet.

 

“I’m glad you’re okay, man. I, uh, I’m gonna take off before Celery gets here. She’s probably gonna be pretty pissed at me for calling you.” Oliver let out a weak chuckle and Sam turned to leave, barely able to suppress the emotion that threatened to overwhelm him. 

 

“McNally wouldn’t have wanted you to do this to yourself.” Oliver’s words hit him in the back like jagged little knives, and Sam spun furiously around.

 

“Don’t.” His eyes flashed dangerously.

 

“Sam-”

 

“ I saw him, Oliver, at the hospital, earlier when I came to get my concussion checked out. I should have known, he was paying way too much attention to her.” Sam spat the words, beginning to pace angrily beside Oliver’s bed. Oliver rolled his eyes.

 

“McNally’s always attracted attention, she’s not exactly hard on the eyes.” Sam glared at Oliver, not ceasing his circuit around the room. 

 

“This was different. She shouldn’t even have been there! He would never have even met her if she hadn’t taken me to the hospital.” The weight of that, the idea that it was because of her compassion for him that she had been put in danger, it settled on Sam’s chest, suffocating him. “You want to know how I thanked her? I accused her of sleeping with Collins. I practically called her a whore.” Sighing with frustration, Oliver struggled to sit up, giving up when the room started to spin.

 

“Sam, you can’t blame yourself for the actions of a psychopath. You don’t even know for a fact that the hospital was the first place that kid saw McNally. Maybe he met her somewhere else.” Sam couldn’t contain the guilt that was eating away at his stomach anymore, the emotion rose like bile in his throat and he finally exploded.

 

“I WASN’T THERE FOR HER! I WAS NEVER THERE FOR HER!” He shouted, his voice echoing in the tiny room. Now that he had started getting it off his chest, he found he couldn’t stop. “She needed me, and I was lying there, right beside her, as she was bleeding out! She got shot, because I got stupid and let my guard down.” He panted to catch his breath, clutching the rail on Oliver’s bed as the room swam from a mix of his latest knock to the head and his earlier concussion. His friend had been quiet as he ranted on, but Sam could see the pity in his eyes. He felt caged, his emotions overpowering. He staggered towards the door, he needed to get out, he needed to get away. His legs, as he attempted to flee the room and all his despair, buckled, and he found himself on the ground. Leaning back, he rested his head against the foot of the bed.

 

“You alright, brother?” Oliver’s voice called out, but Sam barely heard it. He had finally let his worst fear creep into his consciousness, the one that arrested his chest, caused his entire body to go numb. The question thrashed around in his brain, ringing in his ears as though someone was shouting it, over and over and over again. Thinking about it, it was as though all the warmth in his body leached away, and Sam shivered on the linoleum.

 

“Oliver,” he croaked, his voice barely above a whisper, “What if she doesn’t make it?” The thought brought such anxiety to him that he blacked out before Oliver even had time to reply. Seconds later, Monica came rushing into the room, surprised to find Sam unconscious, and wondering whether or not she should be relieved that her news would have to wait.


	9. Waking Up

Buzzing. And beeping. It was all Andy registered as she first woke up, too disoriented to even open her eyes. Surely she couldn’t be dead, this was too irritating to be heaven. She supposed she could be in hell, but Andy wasn’t particularly religious. It had been too hard, when her mom left and her dad started drinking, to hold on to her faith. Flexing her fingers, she let out a cry of pain. Her eyes flew open in surprise, and she found herself blinded by the bright fluorescent lights. That would explain the buzzing. And the beeping, Andy noted, as she pieced together the rough sheets and the sterile white of the walls. She was in the hospital. She struggled to remember what had happened. The last thing she remembered was having a drink with Nick at the Penny. She had been pretty drunk, had something happened? A knot of fear formed in her stomach as a thought occurred to her. Had she been driving? She forced herself to pry her eyes back open.

 

Slowly taking in her surroundings, Andy sighed at the sleeping figure hunched over a chair in the corner of her room. “Nick,” she murmured, surprised at the amount of pain caused by her speech. He roused slowly, springing to his feet when he realized she was awake.

 

“Andy. How are you feeling?” His hand brushed her cheek gently, he was afraid to hurt her. She couldn’t see how she looked, but she was guessing from the look on his face that it wasn’t good. She shrugged, then winced. Andy wondered if there was anything she could do that wouldn’t hurt.

 

“I feel….. like crap.” She gave him a weak smile, and noticed the red rimming his eyes. Her heart gave a little twinge. “Nick, what happened?” She wasn’t sure she was ready for the answer, but the uncertainty of whether anyone else had been hurt was starting to accumulate in her chest. Nick’s face fell a little, and Andy knew that whatever had happened, he wasn’t happy to tell her. The thudding in her chest quickened. “Was anyone else hurt?”

 

Nick grabbed her hand as carefully as he could, and searched her face, wondering if she was awake enough to deal with what happened. He had hoped he wouldn’t have to tell her, half hoped that she would remember. Maybe it was better this way though, better to not have first hand memories of something terrible. He sighed. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

 

Andy closed her eyes, trying to recall the events of the night before. The kiss flashed through her mind, and she felt her lips twitch, but then something darker seeped into her head. It was like she could feel her instincts kicking in, telling her not to push any further, but then the face flashed before her eyes, and she felt a jolt of panic. Dustin. The face, and the name, came together, but they meant nothing to Andy. All she knew was that his face caused her breathing to hitch and her heart to pound in her chest. She rubbed absently at it, trying to combat the anxiety, and looked down to discover five long red scratches across her breast. Fear turned to dread as she noted the soreness on her thighs, as though they were bruised. “No.” She raised her eyes to stare imploringly at Nick, begging him to deny what she was terrified had happened to her. 

 

“Wait, Andy what are you remembering?” He felt her fingers tighten around his, and her heart race. Her eyes travelled downwards and took in the marks on her chest, and then further south towards her legs. He wondered what she was thinking until she looked up at him, and he could see it in her eyes. “No, that…” He trailed off wondering how to deny it, wondering how much she needed to know. He wanted to set her at ease, but there were few details to the story that would accomplish that. He rubbed his thumb over the smooth skin on the back of her hand. “What you’re thinking, it didn’t happen. You’re okay.” He didn’t know if she was, but he knew that she would be. Andy was one of the toughest people he had ever met. It had surprised him to hear, when he was undercover with her, how much she could handle. She was amazingly resilient, after her mother left, after everything with Tommy, and Luke and Swarek. It was just one of the things he admired about her. And though seeing her like this broke his heart, and he almost wished that creep was alive so Nick could kill him himself, he knew she would get past this, too.

 

Andy was quiet for a moment, she knew Nick was telling the truth, but she also knew that there was something else. Obviously, from the state of her chest and her legs, something had happened to her. He was hesitant to tell her exactly what, she understood he didn’t want to hurt her, but she needed to know. “So, what did happen?” She felt like something was missing, like there was some burning question, something she needed to ask, though nothing came to mind. But it was there.

 

“You cabbed home from the Penny, do you remember that?” Nick watched her thinking, he could practically see the cogs turning in her mind as she struggled to put the pieces together.

 

“The cab driver, he waited until I found my keys. He didn’t charge me for the fare.” Nick nodded as Andy spoke, he didn’t know what had happened in the cab, but she was remembering, and that was good. “I had my keys, and I…” She stopped, suddenly, and her hand flew to her throat. “There was a knife to my throat.” And a voice, she remembered. No, two voices. But where was the other one coming from? “My phone… I was calling someone. I couldn’t make out the numbers so I hit redial. I called Sam.” The final chinks in the armour that her mind had built around that night failed, and the entire scene crashed into her, flooding her senses. She could feel Dustin’s hands, everywhere touching her. She could smell the blood, taste it as it filled her mouth. See Sam lying next to her on the ground. Horrified, she tugged on Nick’s arm, pulling him closer. “Where’s Sam? What happened to him, and what happened to Oliver?” A new fear, as she remembered Oliver’s face hovering above hers settled into her stomach. When Dustin had escaped, what had he done to Oliver?

 

“Oliver’s fine. He got banged up a little and needed some stitches but you know him, he’s hard headed. And Sam…” Andy’s heart constricted painfully as Nick paused. “Sam’s fine, he collapsed after you two got to the hospital, but he’s fine. He’s in way better shape than you.” He gave Andy a teasing smile. Andy returned it, but the worry in her stomach didn’t dissipate completely. If Sam was fine, why hadn’t he been here when she woke up? Andy bit her lip, as she considered that Sam probably was with Marlo. He wasn’t Andy’s anymore, and he had moved on. She knew she needed to accept it. He hadn’t wanted to see her. Suddenly, Andy wondered if he blamed her for getting him into this mess, and putting Oliver in danger. Though it didn’t seem like Sam, she remembered the way he had acted after Jerry died, and what he had said to her. He couldn’t be with her and be a cop. She was always getting him into danger, and she knew it. Fighting the overwhelming urge to curl up and cry, as the toll of remembering washed through her body, Andy let go of Nick’s hand.

 

“Thanks… for being here.” She meant it. Having Nick there when she opened her eyes had reassured her more than she had realized. He gave her a questioning look.

 

“I will always be here for you. You should rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.” He turned to settle back into the chair and Andy frowned.

 

“Nick, go home. I’ll be fine. You look like you could use a nap, and a shower.” She pretended to hold her nose, and he laughed. Nodding, he walked back towards her bed and gave her a light kiss on the forehead. 

 

“I’ll be back, I won’t be gone long.” He gave her a final smile, and disappeared out the door. With Nick gone, Andy felt claustrophobia setting in, and tugged at the sheets where the touched her bruises. They reminded her of Dustin’s hands, and she itched to shower and wash the feeling away. Needing a distraction, anything, Andy pulled herself up. She was stiff, she felt like she’d been asleep for days, and realized she had no idea how long she had been unconscious. She glanced at the table beside her bed, and saw her cellphone lying on top of it. Knowing she probably wasn’t supposed to be using it inside the hospital, she snuck a look at the door, but didn’t see anyone. She pressed the home button, lighting up the screen, and the clock flashed as the display appeared. 9:55 at night. With a start, Andy realized it was Sunday, three days after the night at the Penny. She had been asleep for almost 72 hours. She shifted and threw her feet over the side of the bed, and tentatively put her weight on one foot. She hissed at the initial pain that shot through her leg, but the worst seemed to be over, and she managed tos stand without holding onto the railing on her bed. Feeling a tug at her wrist, Andy looked down and pulled the IV drip attaching her to the bag of saline out of her arm.

 

She had no idea where she was going, but Andy didn’t care. She wondered if Oliver was still admitted. Looking uncertainly down at her attire of plaid pajama pants and a baggy grey v-neck t-shirt, Andy approached the woman working quietly behind the reception desk. “Hi, I’m looking for my colleague.” She smiled winningly at the woman, hoping she could pass for a late night visitor, but she was forgetting about the bruises on her face. The small blonde looked up at Andy, and a shadow flickered over her face as she took in Andy’s injuries. “Nice try honey, but you look like you should be in bed.” She stood up to escort Andy back to her room. Andy’s curiosity about the state of her face got the better of her, and she shook her head.

 

“Look, I’m a cop. I just wanted to make sure my colleagues were alright. Can you do me a favour and just tell me what rooms they’re in?” She leaned towards the nurse, noting her nametag. “Please, Jamie?” The girl sighed, and sat back down.  
“Who are you looking for?” Her eyes scanned the hallway, as though making sure no one would see her letting Andy wander around. Andy grinned.

 

“Oliver Shaw, and Sam Swarek.” Jamie looked up in recognition of the name, her eyes wide with surprise.

 

“Are you Andy?” Taken aback, Andy nodded. The nurse stared at her for a moment, as though seeing her for the first time. “Monica was talking about you, she kept coming around, asking for your status.” Frowning, Andy tapped her fingers impatiently on the desk.

 

“Monica?” Andy didn’t know why she would have been keeping tabs on her, but her impatience beat out her curiosity. “Sorry but I just really want to find my friends, do you know where they are?” Jamie’s head swivelled back towards her computer, and she typed away for a moment before looking back up at Andy.

 

“Oliver Shaw, room 314, that’s on the second floor. We don’t have a Sam Swarek checked in.” Jamie looked up at her curiously, as if there was something she wanted to ask, but Andy smiled and thanked her, then hurried towards the elevator.

 

By the time the elevator made it to the second floor, Andy’s room was on the 5th, her legs were shaking with the exertion. After three days of lying in bed, not to mention the bruises and minor fractures on her legs, her body was not ready to be walking around. She limped out of the elevator, and towards the hallway she knew Oliver was in. With all the time she had spent in this hospital because of her job, Andy was very familiar with it. Turning into Oliver’s room, Andy collapsed on the floor before she had a chance to look at him. “Ugh.” She groaned as she lay on the cold tile, more embarrassed than hurt.

 

“McNally?” Oliver’s voice was deep with concern, and Andy struggled towards the chair beside his bed, barely managing to pull herself into it. “What the hell are you doing wandering around? Are you okay?”She looked up into his face and let out a little sob of relief, throwing herself at him. Forgetting that they both had serious injuries, she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. They both let out a yelp of pain, and she released him and sat back. It wasn’t until she had settled back into the chair and the tears had cleared from her eyes that she noticed the man sitting in the other chair, staring at her. 

 

“Sam?”


	10. Finding It

Sam stared at the battered version of his ex-girlfriend sitting across from him. He had almost leaped to help her when she fell, but he had been so surprised that she had gotten herself up before he made it to his feet. He watched her throw herself at Oliver in silence, not wanting to disrupt the moment. Now she was looking across the bed at him, something like discomfort in her eyes. It bothered Sam.

 

“How’s it going McNally?” He winced internally at the casual tone as it came out, but it was too late to take it back. He wanted to grab her and check every inch of her body for injuries, never let her go. But it wasn’t his place.

 

Andy felt her heart flutter unpleasantly in her chest. She hadn’t been expecting to see Sam here. If she was being honest, after waking up and not finding him in her room, she had assumed he was busy enough not to be there. But here he was, sitting across from her in Oliver’s room, casually greeting her like nothing had happened. It hurt. “Oh, you know,” she waved a hand airily, wincing at the soreness in her arm. “I’m fine.” She thought she saw Sam’s eyes flash at that, but it was gone so quickly she decided she must have imagined it. Something in Andy’s stomach seemed to deflate as she observed him, his casual smile denting her childish hope he was worried about her.

 

Of course she would say she was fine after nearly being raped and beaten to death. It was so Andy that Sam could have laughed, if it didn’t piss him off so much. There was something about the way that she waved her hand so carelessly in the air that made Sam want to grab her and shake her. Didn’t she realize how close she had come? Didn’t she care about herself at all? It was one of the things Sam had struggled with when they were together. Andy’s selflessness mixed with her compassion had put her in more dangerous situations than he had cared for. She wasn’t stupid she was just… amazing. The word popped into his head unexpectedly as Sam watched her turn her attention to Oliver, and place her bruised hand on his cheek. She was so gentle, like she was afraid she was going to hurt him. Oliver smiled up at her, and made some stupid comment that Sam was too distracted to catch. For some reason sitting there, seeing McNally broken like this, it had been bearable until now. Until she reminded Sam exactly who she was and why he had fallen in love with her. And now it was breaking his heart. He turned away, and tried to collect himself as memories of the past few months without Andy crept into his mind. It had been easier to be angry at her when she was gone.

 

Andy bit her lip and glanced over her shoulder at Sam. Now that she was satisfied that Oliver was alright, and just as sarcastic as ever, she couldn’t shake the desire to check on Sam. Even though he didn’t seem to be worried about her at all, Andy suspected there was more going on under his cool exterior. She knew he had moved on, but he had always been overprotective of her, and she figured he still cared about her. She sat on her hands to keep from reaching out and grabbing Sam’s face, pulling it closer so she could assure herself that he was alright. Once again, she let out a yelp of pain due to the injuries she kept forgetting. It would take a while for her to get used to being overly careful, she had always been on the clumsy side. Rubbing her wrist gingerly where the throbbing was the worst, she sighed. She doubted either Sam or Oliver wanted to talk about what had happened, but there were too many holes in her memory of the story. Andy was beginning to realize that she had missed a lot that night, and after everything, after killing someone, she wanted all the pieces. She cleared her throat, suddenly nervous. “I..” Sam and Oliver looked at her expectantly. She struggled for the right words.

 

“Spit it out McNally.” Oliver grinned at her, then faltered at the look on her face, for once losing his irrepressible optimism. “Hey, what is it?” He reached out and placed his hand on hers, wishing his buddy would man up and do it, but knowing he wasn’t there yet. Sam only regarded them silently, and it irked Oliver. He knew things were complicated between his friend and his former rookie, but he also knew that they weren’t nearly as happy separate as they had been together. Andy was good for Sam in a way Oliver had never even realized Sam needed. She pushed without being pushy. Actually, she could be extremely pushy, but only when Sam needed it. Oliver had never known Sam to share as much of himself with anyone as he had with Andy. Looking over at her, as she chewed on her bottom lip, he doubted she even realized how open Sam had been with her. They were both idiots. Oliver had secretly been hoping that McNally’s near death experience would have been enough to push both of them to make things right, but it didn’t seem to be going that way. He bit back a sigh of frustration and patted Andy gently on the hand to recapture her attention. He had a feeling that whatever Andy was thinking, it was something more serious than her love life with Sam.  
Andy let out an irritated huff, then looked directly up at Sam. “I need you to tell me what happened.” He raised an eyebrow in surprise, and peered at her thoughtfully before shaking his head.

 

“Can’t do it McNally. You know we need to get someone to take your statement first. Someone who wasn’t there when it happened,” he added, when she had looked inquisitively up at him.

 

Thrown, Andy opened her mouth, then closed it again. The last person she was expecting to clam up on her because of the rules was Sam. He had never followed the rules unless it suited him, and though he had never been a reckless cop, excluding their little tryst when he was undercover, procedure hadn’t been an issue. The irritation swept through her, flushing her cheeks before she even realized she was angry. “Fine,” she muttered, struggling to get back to her feet. She panted with exertion as she pushed at the bed, trying to put her weight on her feet, but her body gave out. She landed with a soft thud back in the chair, turning even more red with effort and embarrassment. She crossed her arms over her chest and deliberately turned away from Sam, facing Oliver. “Oliver,” she murmured softly, as though remembering something, “how did he get away from you?” She absentmindedly reached out to touch the massive bruise on his head, and he let out a humorless laugh.

 

“I had to load him into the squad properly after Sammy was done with him. I took him out to pat him down, he pretended to trip, and then when I leaned down to grab him, he kicked me. It’s pretty much lights out after that.” The corners of Andy’s mouth had turned down as Oliver was talking, and Sam felt a familiar pang in his chest. That face was the one she used to wear when he got hurt on the job, nothing serious, just a bruise or some stitches. It was like it caused her physical pain to see other people hurting, and he hated it. He would have hidden the injuries from her if he thought she wouldn’t find out, but he knew he couldn’t get away with it. As he thought it, he reached up to ran his hand through his hair, and the massive gash on his forearm caught Andy’s eye.

 

“What’s that?” Her voice was still angry, though whether that anger was still directed at him, Sam wasn’t sure. He glanced down at the laceration running the length of his forearm, remembering the unpleasantries that went along with the twenty or so stitches he had received.

 

“Oh, uh, just a scratch.” Sam shrugged, and Andy felt a flash of irritation, the same kind she used to feel when he would play down his injuries when they were together. He was such a martyr she used to have to use physical force to get him to show her where he had been hurt. Despite herself, Andy leaned over the bed and held out her hand expectantly. He looked at her in surprise, but got up, and walked around the bed to hold his arm out to her. She knew he was rolling his eyes, but she didn’t care. Her gaze was focused on the number of stitches running up his arm, she could tell by the bruising around the cut that it was deep. Stitches were nothing new to either of them, but she couldn’t help but wince at the number of them. “Seriously, Andy, it’s fine. just a scratch.” His words brought back deja vu of the morning of the attack, and he darted a glance at her to see if she noticed. He hadn’t noticed from across the room, but up close he almost recoiled at the sadness in her eyes. It was as if someone had died. Which, he realized with a start, they had. He kicked himself for being so stupid, he had been so focused on her recovery physically, that he had barely thought about how she would feel about killing someone. It wasn’t the cold execution of a service pistol either, she had stabbed him through the stomach with the leg of her table, in her home. It was personal. He squinted at her, trying to gain some clue to what she was thinking, but aside from her eyes her face was impassive. 

 

“That looks sore,” she murmured, unconsciously running her fingers in patterns along his arm, an old habit. He let out a hollow laugh, and she glanced up at him curiously. 

 

“Oh yeah, real sore. Three broken ribs, and head to toe deep tissue bruising is nothing compared to some stitches.” He jerked his arm out of her hand, ignoring the rush of cold air where her fingers had been. He had missed her touch. He had been afraid he would never feel it again. And yet, here he was, she was alive, broken but alive, and he was furious with her. And himself. He supposed it wasn’t fair, but he couldn’t stand to have her worrying about some stupid cut on his arm while she was sitting there looking like she was. He felt the irrational anger bubbling up and out of his mouth before he could stop it. “Jesus Andy, have you even seen yourself?” He gestured vaguely at her face before swiveling on his foot and pacing back towards the wall. 

 

Andy blinked at the hostility behind his words, but recovered quickly. “Actually, no.” She said quietly, her emotions tangling up messily inside her stomach. She knew he was doing this because he was worried, and she was surprised at how reassuring she found it. Still, the irritation from his refusal to tell her about the attack, and his ongoing martyrdom rose to the surface. “I woke up and came running to find Oliver, and then I was hoping one of you would tell me what happened the night I killed someone.” She glanced apologetically at Oliver, who waved a hand in the air, then stood and rounded on Sam. “But no, apparently you’re Mr. By-the-book now. And you know what? I was worried about you. I am worried about you. God why do you always have to be such a martyr?” She stalked towards him, then jabbed him in the chest. “You don’t care, you don’t want to come see me, that’s fine. But I wanted to know if you were hurt, you know, since the last time I saw you was when you were shot and knocked unconscious.” She had stepped closer as she talked, and they were now standing toe to toe. She stared up at him, refusing to back away. 

 

Sam frowned down at Andy as she stared daggers up at him. She was close enough for him to count the freckles on her face, not that he didn’t have them memorized. She thought he didn’t care about her. She thought he hadn’t wanted to be there when she woke up. She didn’t realize that he hadn’t left the hospital except to change when he had been discharged, and then had come right back. She didn’t know that he had waited by her bed for two days hoping she would wake up, wishing he could somehow climb into her mind and see what she was seeing. She couldn’t realize that it was killing him that the one time he had left her bed, for half an hour, was the exact time she had woken up. He knew he had been acting cold when she walked in to Oliver’s room, but the last thing he had expected was for her to come waltzing through that door when he had seen her unconscious an hour before. He just hadn’t had time to react. It might not be fair, considering he was with Marlo and she seemed to be with Collins, but he didn’t want her to think he didn’t care about her. “I did come to see you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up.”

 

He meant it. Andy could practically feel the sincerity rolling of him, and she let her mouth drop open in surprise. As the anger was replaced with something resembling relief, she felt a shiver run down her spine. As much as she had hoped he felt some small desire to be with her when she woke up, to check on her and make sure she was alright, the confirmation seemed to take a weight off her shoulders. She gazed up at him, and realized how close they were standing. His face was barely inches away.

 

Sam was noticing the same thing, distracted by the bruises on her face, the blue that seemed to cover more skin than not. He brushed his thumb gently against her jaw, turning her face so that he could see the bruising on her neck. It tore at him. If it was possible, she looked worse now than when he had seen her lying in the debris of her coffee table. The bruises had had time to bloom and spread, the swelling had gone down just enough to cast shadows over the few bits of her that remained unhurt. As he looked sadly down at her, he noticed her eyes drooping, and when he lowered his gaze, that her legs were shaking. Without further thought, he reached down, and gingerly lifter her into his arms.

 

“Sam,” Andy protested, as he nodded at Oliver and carried her into the hallway. “What are you doing?”

 

“What does it look like I’m doing McNally? I’m taking you back to bed.” He smiled at the little blonde nurse as he passed her, though something about the way she looked at Andy made him suspicious that she knew something he didn’t. Monica had never come back to find him after he woke up in a hospital bed, but he had gotten the news from another nurse that Andy was stable and out of surgery.

 

“Put me down, I can walk.” Andy pushed weakly at him, her shaking arms not helping her cause. “This is embarrassing.” She let out a sigh and let her head fall back to rest against Sam’s chest. The familiar smell of him, like fresh laundry and something deliciously male, had her feeling calmer than she had since she woke up. “Screw you.” She muttered in a half-hearted attempt to keep up appearances.

 

Sam grinned down at her. “Well, I would McNally, but you don’t really seem to be in the best shape for that kind of physical activity.” She shoved at him again, even weaker than before, and he looked down to see her eyes closed. As he continued to walk, her breath evened out, and he knew she was asleep. Rounding the corner to her room, Sam marvelled at how far she had walked to get to Oliver’s room. She must have been in pain the whole way there, and yet he knew she wouldn’t have been able to rest until she had seen that he was okay. He lay her back in her bed, careful not to wake her, then pressed a kiss to her forehead. He lingered like that, for a moment, then leaned back and pulled her blankets over her. Walking over to the chair beside her bed, he settled in, and watched the rise and fall of her chest. This time, he promised himself, he would be there when she woke up.


	11. Numb

Andy woke with a little sigh, her eyes fluttering open, then widening in surprise at the sight of Sam fast asleep beside her. His arms were crossed over his chest, his head lolling back onto the chair. She fought a smile. She hadn’t been expecting him to be there. She recalled the argument they’d had earlier, and Sam’s admission that he had wanted to be there when she woke up. And now he was. He looked exhausted, the dark circles under his eyes and the stubble along his jaw made her wonder if he had been home in the last 24 hours. She suddenly felt very guilty for accusing him of not caring about her enough to come see her. She leaned forward, barely wincing at the pain that she was starting to get used to. Brushing his face with her hand, she whispered his name. “Sam. Wake up.” He grunted and shifted in the chair, but didn’t open his eyes. Andy couldn’t suppress a smile, there was always something about Sam when he slept, like the usual weight of the world on his shoulders was missing. He was lighter. Andy missed it every morning. Shaking her head, she cupped his cheek in her hand and leaned closer to his ear. “Sam.” She murmured, a little louder this time. His eyes flew open, and he stared at Andy in surprise.

 

“Uh, hey.” He didn’t lean away from her, and she didn’t move her hand from his face.

 

“Good morning.” She smiled a little sadly, glad to have him there, but very aware of why she was in the hospital in the first place. She still saw Dustin’s face when she closed her eyes sometimes, or, worse, the image of Sam lying lifeless on the floor. Trying to shake herself out of it, Andy glanced up at Sam and took in the picture before her. Sam was alive and well, surly as ever. She couldn’t help herself and her thumb lightly traced the dark circles under his eyes, which drifted closed again. It was quiet, but comfortably so, and Andy was reminded of the way they used to lay in the mornings, in bed, sometimes for hours, quiet like this. Sam used to joke it was the only time that her mouth wasn’t occupied that she was quiet. Andy blushed as the innocent memories took a turn towards the explicit, and when Sam opened his eyes he was greeted with her flushed cheeks. He raised his eyebrows.

 

“You okay there McNally?” He didn’t mean it to come out quite as mocking as it had, and smirked when she flushed a shade deeper. “Good morning to you too.” Andy dropped her hand, and he felt a small pang of regret. As he opened his mouth to apologize for not telling her what she asked for the night before , Collins came strolling through the door. Sam quickly shut his mouth and glanced between the two of them. Andy, whose cheeks had begun to return to a normal colour, flushed again, and Collins gave her a sheepish smile. There was definitely something going on between them. Sam cleared his throat, and Andy’s head swivelled back around to face him. She was chewing on her bottom lip, something Sam had noticed she did when she was anxious about something. He wasn’t sure if he would rather it was Collins making her anxious or himself, but the look she was giving him gave him the feeling that right now, three was a crowd. He stood up and leaned down to brush Andy’s hair behind her ear and give her a searching glance, making sure she was alright for him to leave her. She gave an almost imperceptible nod, her eyes darting back towards Nick. Sam sighed. Part of him wanted to stay, stare at Collins and make him uncomfortable until he left and Sam could be alone with Andy. The other part of him wanted to get as far away from what was going on between Collins and Andy as he could. He opted for the latter, and turned towards the door. “Andy,” He looked at her as he reached the doorway, and put his hand hesitantly on the handle. “If you need anything, call me.” Andy nodded again, this time with a smile.

 

“Yeah, I will. Thanks for staying with me, Sam.” She was about to tell him she would see him later, but he cut her off.

 

“I’m not leaving. I’m just going to run home and shower, grab some fresh clothes. Oliver’s getting out later today and with, uh…” He trailed off as his eyes once again swept over the bruises and cuts covering every visible inch of her, and swallowed. “With everything else that’s going on Frank gave me a few days off. I’ll be back.” Andy looked like she was going to open her mouth to protest, so Sam gave her a smile, and Collins a quick nod, and left before she could say anything. Once he was out of the room, he leaned against the wall to check his cell phone under the pretence of putting on his jacket. The few times Monica had caught him using his cell phone in the hospital, he had gotten a serious lecture. As he read through the texts he had gotten from Marlo asking how Oliver was doing, and a few from Sarah, he heard Collin’s voice drifting out into the hall. 

 

“So, about that kiss…” Sam immediately stiffened, he hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. An internal battle warred between staying to hear what Andy had to say, and leaving before he heard anything else. As he heard a familiar playful laugh, and the sound of someone being smacked, he decided he needed to leave. He wasn’t ready to hear, or see, Andy and Collins in action. With a black expression to suit his mood, he strode towards the exit, and didn’t look back.

 

\---

 

“Nick…” Andy had laughed nervously when he brought up the kiss, but now she felt her face falling into serious lines. She hadn’t really spent much time thinking about what happened at the Penny, with everything else that was going on. She initially thought she had felt something, and had toyed with the idea of delving into something more than friends with Nick, but now she knew better. It had become clear where her heart was, and as painful as it was to admit, she was nowhere near over Sam. If she was being honest, she was no less in love with him than she had been six months earlier. Some things had happened between them, there was a lot of hurt and baggage now, but she wasn’t ready to move on. Not only was she not ready for a rebound, but even if she had been, she cared about Nick too much to let him be that for her, he deserved so much better. She sighed, and he came to sit carefully on her bed beside her. He gently grabbed her hand and held it between his. Andy placed her free hand on his shoulder, and looked searchingly at his face. She could tell he wasn’t on the same page as her, could see the hope in his eyes. As much as she wanted to avoid hurting him, she thought the best way to do that would be to let him down easy. “You’ve been such a good friend.” His eyes narrowed slightly at that, but he didn’t move his hands. “What happened at the Penny, you took me by surprise.” Andy tried not to say it accusingly, just laying out the reason she had let it happen in the first place. At that, Nick withdrew his hand, understanding and disappointment showing all over his face. He dropped his eyes, and Andy had to cup her fingers under his chin to get him to look at her. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with Sam and I, but, I know I can’t give you what you deserve. I love him. And I care about you too much not to be honest with you.” Nick seemed to watch her for a moment, then he let out a heavy breath.

 

“I should have known, I guess I just…. got caught up.” He was getting a little lost in her eyes as he said it, and had to shake his head to bring himself back. He was disappointed, and he knew it would take him a while until he could honestly say Andy was just a friend to him, but he was determined to get there. As much as she needed him right now, he had always been surprised at just how many times he had leaned on Andy for support. He didn’t want to lose that because of this. It would take time, but he was going to try. “I’m going to go.” He stood up, offering her a sad but genuine smile to reassure her that he didn’t hold it against her.

 

“Nick…” Andy sounded totally unsure of what to say, he could practically see the gears turning in her head, trying to find a way to make him alright. There was nothing she could say, though, and eventually she just fell silent and resumed chewing on her bottom lip. Nick shook his head. He was going to have to try to stop noticing how cute that was. 

 

“I’ll see you later, Andy.” With that, he slipped from the room, leaving Andy in silence to contemplate her decision.

 

\---

 

When Sam finally made it back to the hospital, he was running late and knew it was almost time for Oliver to check out. He jogged to the front desk to make sure all the paperwork was taken care of, then made a last second stop back out to his truck to grab a brown paper bag. When he tried, unsuccessfully, to slide into Oliver’s room without him noticing, he was hit in the head by a tiny plush monkey wearing a bulletproof vest.

 

“You’re late!” Oliver frowned at him from the bed, armed with a veritable menagerie of plush animals. Sam wondered with amusement who they had come from, then spotted a card on the bedside table signed from Izzie. Of course, Shaw wouldn’t let anyone but his daughters get away with giving him stuffed animals. All the cops at fifteen knew not to visit unless they came prepared with food. Remembering suddenly that he had come prepared, Sam drew the paper bag from behind his back and grinned at Oliver.

 

“Yes, but, I brought a peace offering.” He waved the bag in front of Oliver’s face, laughing when the older man all but drooled on the pillow. The scent of cinnamon sugar filled the room, and he couldn’t help wishing he had brought some of the donuts for himself. As he handed the bag over to Oliver, he couldn’t help shaking his head. “You know you are seriously the picture of a stereotypical cop. Donuts, coffee, that little gut you got goin on. You’re killing the image here, man.” Sam pretended to whine, but he was secretly glad to see his friend back to normal. They had both been pretty shaken up after everything that happened with Andy, and although Sam had done his best not to lean on Oliver, he didn’t know what he would have done without him.

 

“Alright, you’re forgiven. You got my clothes? As youthful as my legs have been looking these days, what with all the cardio Celery and I have been doing, this outfit is a little breezy for the outdoors.” He wiggled his eyebrows at Sam who burst out laughing, and threw a duffel bag full of clothes on the bed.

 

“That is not a picture I needed in my head man, thanks for that. Now go get dressed.” Sam waited outside the private bathroom in Oliver’s room, there were perks to being cops who got injured in the line of duty, and checked his watch. He had left Andy and Nick about 2 hours ago, and found himself wondering how the rest of that conversation had gone. He was drawn out of his thoughts by Oliver, who emerged fully dressed, with a ring of cinnamon sugar around his mouth. “You’re a classy guy, Shaw.” He gestured at his mouth, and Shaw ducked back into the bathroom to clean up his face. When he emerged, he was greeted by a smirking Sam, and a wheelchair.

 

“Oh, no way Sammy. Not gonna happen. Youthful legs, remember?” He gave Sam his most winning smile, then dropped his face into a grimace when Sam continued to stand behind the wheelchair.

 

“Buck up, Ollie, you usually love being driven around. Besides, it’s hospital policy. Monica will have my ass if she hears I let you walk out of here.” Oliver raised his eyes at that comment, but sat resignedly onto the chair. Sam gave a last glance around the room to make sure they hadn’t left anything, then wheeled Oliver out into the hallway.

 

“So, Monica, huh?” Sam rolled his eyes at his friend, and didn’t answer. “But I guess you’re hung up on someone else.” When Sam glared at Oliver, he shrugged. “Marlo?” There was a twinkle in his eye that suggested he was talking about someone else entirely, but Sam ignored it.

 

“Yeah, I guess.” His face was closed off, and less brave men than Oliver would have backed down. 

 

“She picked you up from the hospital, right?” Sam nodded, and Oliver waited for him to speak. Sam sighed.

 

“I didn’t ask her to. I didn’t even know she was coming, I had already called Noelle to bring over my truck.” He looked annoyed even as he talked about it, so Oliver let it drop.

 

“Hey, can we just do something before I get out of here?” Oliver looked up at Sam, who shrugged and stared down at him, waiting for instruction. “Just take me to the third floor, there’s someone I want to say goodbye to.” He smiled innocently at Sam, who snorted.

 

“Real subtle, buddy.” He rolled his eyes again, but pushed them both into the elevator and hit 3. The ride was quiet. Oliver sensed that something was up with Sam, he hadn’t been nervous the last time he had been around Andy. He wondered if something had happened. When the doors opened and Sam steered them into Andy’s room, Oliver watched Andy’s face light up, and figured he would let Sam tell him on his own time.

 

“Hey, McNally. Just wanted to come rub it in your face that I’m sprung.” Andy raised her eyebrows and Oliver scowled at her. “You know what I mean.” She laughed and made to get up, but Oliver stood and walked over to the bed.

 

“How are you doing sweetheart?” He tried not to show the alarm he felt, he had been to out of it the last time he saw her to notice how bad she looked. It looked like there wasn’t an inch of her that wasn’t black or blue. He hadn’t realized before that night how attached he had gotten to his former rookie, and now he was hit with emotion as he took in her battered state. 

 

Andy smiled, then faltered when she saw Oliver’s eyes glisten. She was just as surprised as he was at the emotional outburst, but she leaned forward to pull him into a hug. “I’m fine. I’m okay.” She said it soothingly, and though neither man in the room believed her, they were both comforted by the fact that she believed it. She was strong, she would be okay eventually, even if she wasn’t now. Oliver leaned back and sighed. He had given her a hard time over the years, hassling her about her relationship with Sam. The truth was, he had never seen his friend as happy and alive as he had been when he was with Andy. He could tell Sam was good for her too, but he also knew they had their issues. Sam never mentioned it, aside from one drunken night that he let slip to Oliver how much he missed Andy, and wanted a future with her. Oliver never brought it up, figuring Sam was too drunk to remember anyways. But had meant it. There was something about McNally after she got back, like she was keeping a secret. At first it had seemed like she was trying to win him over, but then there was something like a bottled up resentment, something that stemmed deeper than having your heart broken. Oliver suspected something had happened that she had never told Sam. He wondered if he would ever be able to get it out her.

 

“Hey.” Sam nodded at Andy, scrutinizing her for some sign of what had happened earlier when he left. He was getting a little desperate to know what was going on with her and Collins, but after the way he had talked to her about it at the hospital, he wasn’t sure it would be a good idea for him to bring it up. Andy smiled at him, her bright smile that he hadn’t seen in ages. It nearly blinded him. Sometimes he thought he had fallen in love with that smile. It still got to him, like a punch in the chest, all the air left his lungs. He coughed and walked toward the window to collect himself.

 

“Where’s Celery?” Andy asked, looking around expectantly. Sam chuckled, wondering what story Oliver was going to spin to cover the embarrassment of the truth. Oliver shot him a look, but Andy was peering inquisitively at Oliver, who sighed and sat down beside Andy on the bed.

 

“If I tell you McNally, you have to promise to keep it yourself. No gal talk with Peck and the ladies.” He gave her a serious stare. Andy smiled.

 

“Well, Gail hates me, so that’s not exactly an issue, but I promise not to tell anyone.” Sam filed away that little piece of information, with a sinking feeling it had something to do with Collins. He tuned back into their conversation just as Oliver was getting to the point.

 

“She, uh, she had a bad allergic reaction.” Andy just waited, certain there was more to the story if he was being so secretive. “To the medication I was on.” Andy frowned not sure she understood.

 

“So… Celery was taking your meds?” She shook her head, not really believing someone like Celery, who was so for natural medicine, would take her boyfriend’s painkillers.

 

“Uh, not directly, no. It turns out they can be… transferred in trace amounts. And for someone who was highly allergic all it would take was a little contact with, uh…” He trailed off looking uncomfortable.

 

“Bodily fluids?” Sam offered from the window. Both Andy and Oliver looked up at him in horror, Oliver blushing furiously. Andy let out a giggle, then clapped her hand to her mouth. Trying, unsuccessfully, to contain her laughter, she clapped the senior officer on the back.

 

“Go, Oliver!” She let out another snort, then let out a noise of surprise and clutched at her stomach. “I think I might have busted my stitches, it feels wet.” Sam was at her side in a flash, Oliver jumped off the bed so Sam could pull back the covers. What they saw had Sam drawing in a sharp breath. Blood soaked the sheets and Andy’s pajama shirt, which Sam peeled gently away from her stomach. The minimal bandage that had been taped to her abdomen was completely saturated with blood, and even as Sam tried to determine where it was coming from, he knew this wasn’t a case of ripped stitches.

 

“Oliver, get a nurse.” He looked up at his friend, who hurried out of the room. Sam turned his gaze to Andy, his eyes stormy with concern, and anger. “Jesus McNally, you didn’t feel that? You should have told someone you were in pain.” 

 

“Sam…” Andy looked up at him, her eyes wide with fear. “That’s the thing, I wasn’t. I can’t feel it at all. I can’t feel anything.”


	12. Acceptance

Sam paced restlessly outside the operating room. As much as he hated seeing Andy in pain, up until now she had been in recovery. He hadn’t expected to be back in this position, pacing anxiously and waiting for news. After Oliver had come rushing back into Andy’s room, followed by a nurse, Andy had been transported for immediate surgery. Sam had tried desperately to get some kind of information about what was going on from someone, but had ended up pacing outside the OR empty handed. As he continued his path back and forth along the wall, he realized his hands were shaking and looked down at them. They were still covered in Andy’s blood. He had an unpleasant flashback to a few days ago when the same thing had happened. He shook his head as he realized he was experiencing some kind of sick, nightmarish deja vu. Just then, Monica came rushing around the corner. Sam blinked, wondering if the situation could get any stranger. 

 

“Monica!” He called out to her, and sidestepped into her path, blocking her way. She looked up at him in surprise. “I need you to find out what’s going on with Andy.” She glanced over her shoulder at the operating room, and then back at Sam in confusion.

 

“What- The last I heard she was going to be fine. A bit sore for a while, but she was out of danger…” She trailed off, her eyes widening as she noticed the blood on his hands. Sam wondered if she was having the same flashbacks as he was. He tucked his hands behind his back to hide the blood, and the shaking. “What happened?”

 

Sam stared at her, reading her face for clues that she knew more than she was letting on. “I took Oliver up to see her, he was just checking on her on his way out. We were there for a while, just talking. She didn’t say anything about her stomach hurting. Then she started laughing and was grabbing at her stomach saying she thought she ripped her stitches or something, and there was all this blood…” He let out a deep breath to steady himself as the image of Andy’s eyes, huge with fear, popped into his mind. “She said… she said she couldn’t feel it.” The last words Andy had gotten in before she was pulled away from Sam rung in his ears. The blood had been jarring, frightening even, but after the implications of what Andy’s numbness sank in, Sam had been consumed with worry. He didn’t know what it meant, but he knew it was serious, and without any kind of explanation, he had been fearing the worst.

 

Monica studied his face, she knew he thought he was hiding his emotions well , but she knew him well enough to see through it. Running a hand through her hair, she nodded, and turned towards the swinging doors. She was startled when she felt a hand on her arm. She looked down and saw Sam’s hand, he quickly dropped it, leaving a smear of blood on her scrubs.

 

“Sorry,” he muttered, frowning at the stain he had left on her arm. She rolled her eyes. 

 

“They’re scrubs, Sam. I work in a hospital, I’m not afraid of a little blood.” She looked up at him expectantly, and his eyes came up to meet hers. 

 

“When I woke up, the nurse told me you were the one who found me, in Oliver’s room.” Monica nodded, not seeing where this was going. “You told me you would come find me when you had news, but Andy wouldn’t have been out of surgery when I…” He trailed off, but Monica knew what he was saying, and the question behind his words. 

 

“It wasn’t anything, Sam. It had nothing to do with whatever is happening now. I’m going to go in there, see what I can find out..” Before she had a chance to disappear behind the doors, Sam shook his head.

 

“You’re telling me that whatever news you had about Andy before I passed out, it had nothing to do with what’s going on now?” His eyes swept over her face, suspicious. Monica sighed.

 

“It had nothing to do with whatever is happening now.” Monica’s voice was steady, her eyes betraying nothing.

“What was it?” Sam couldn’t help himself. He needed to know, whether or not it was relevant to Andy’s current condition. His need for information turned him desperate, and he knew he wouldn’t stop wondering until Monica told him. 

 

“Andy was stabilized, but we didn’t know how long she had been… without oxygen.” She looked as though she had been about to say something else. Dead, Sam realized. That was what she was talking about. For a few moments Andy had been dead. He bit back the panic that came with that memory and stared at Monica, prompting her on. “We weren’t sure what her brain functioning would be like when she woke up. We were afraid the impacts could have been significant. But, you’ve seen her. Her motor skills, her memory, everything seems to be fine.” 

 

“Except for the fact that she’s paralyzed.” Sam muttered. The dread was spreading, like ice, through his chest. He hadn’t even considered the fact that Andy might have had brain damaged. He had only seen the possibilities of dead or alive. And now… he realized that even if Andy’s injuries weren’t fatal, she could be paralyzed, or worse. He sank to his knees. Covering his face with his hands, he struggled to regain his composure, but the image of Andy in a wheelchair haunted him. She wouldn’t be able to work, not the way she wanted, and she loved her job. She had always been active, the yoga, the running, being fit was part of being a cop but Andy had always genuinely enjoyed it. The idea of her having all those things taken from her, it scared Sam. He knew he would love her always. But he wanted her to be happy, have the life she had imagined in her ten year, twenty year, fifty year plans. He was brought back by Monica’s hand on his shoulder. 

 

“You don’t know that. Let me go see what I can find out. There are multiple things that can cause loss of feeling, it could be temporary.” With that, she disappeared behind the doors, and Sam was left along with his thoughts. 

 

\---

 

An hour later, Sam hadn’t moved from his spot on the floor. He sat with his back against the wall, and his hands clenched into tight fists. Oliver walked around the corner to find him like this, and shook his head. “Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. You don’t look so good my friend.” He stood above Sam, looking down at him. He considered joining his friend on the floor, but as if in response, his ribs gave a painful twinge and he decided against it. 

 

“Yeah. Well.” Sam closed his eyes, hating the worry in Oliver’s eyes. He could barely hold it together and seeing Oliver there, with the pity and concern all over his face made this much more real. 

 

“Nash is on her way up. She wants to see what she can find out. I told her if there was news, you would have told us.” As if on cue, Traci popped up behind Oliver, and felt the blood drain from her face. She hadn’t realized how serious it was, but one look at Sam and she felt the weight of her underestimation. 

 

“Sam.” She crouched down in front of him and grabbed his hands. She realized they were sticky with blood, and fought the tremble that threatened her lip. “The nurses said it will be at least half an hour before they know anything. Let’s get you cleaned up.” She tugged gently at her partners hands and he shook his head. “Do you want this to be the first thing she sees when she wakes up?” Traci was gentle, but insistent, and Sam slowly climbed to his feet. “Oliver would you mind waiting here?” He shook his head and leaned up against the wall. Traci lead Sam towards the bathroom.

 

“She was numb.” Traci looked up from scrubbing Sam’s hands clean, and frowned.

 

“What?” 

 

“She couldn’t feel her stomach.” Sam didn’t look up, couldn’t meet Traci’s eyes. He felt her hands tense around his own. She released them and reached for a paper towel, turning it over in her hands. 

 

“She’s… is she paralyzed?” Traci fought to keep her voice steady, knowing Sam was already on the edge of losing it. She tried to imagine her best friend being confined to a wheelchair, and couldn’t. The image just didn’t fit. 

 

“I don’t know.” Sam let out a frustrated sigh and turned to Traci, grabbing the paper towel from her hands. He balled it up and threw it, a little aggressively, into the trash. 

 

“Sam, look before we go back.” He glanced back at Traci from the door. “If she is- If she’s not going to be the same. She’s going to need you to be okay with that.” Sam glared angrily at Traci.

 

“What? You think I would abandon her because she’s crippled?” He spat the words, half out of disgust for himself. Would it change the way he felt about Andy? If she could never run with him, or be a cop on the streets again. An image of her big brown eyes, laughing, her mouth stretched into that heartstopping smile, popped into his head. No. He could never not love her. It sickened him that it had taken her nearly dying twice for him to realize it, but now it seemed glaringly obvious. He just wanted her alive.

 

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Traci gave Sam a pointed look and he fell silent, ceasing his grumbling. “I know you’ll love her no matter what. I just… Andy loved being active, her whole life was active. But she’s one of the strongest women I have ever met. And if you go in there feeling like she’s lost a part of herself, or that her life has been compromised, she’s going to feel that. That will affect how she feels about it. I’m just saying, if she is paralyzed, be the one who can help her accept it, not someone who constantly feels bad for her.” 

 

Sam stared at Traci, as the weight of her words sank in. Andy’s life wouldn’t be over if she was paralyzed. If anyone could figure out how to live life to the fullest in any condition, it would be her. He had to be prepared that she wouldn’t be able to do everything she had been, and accept it, so Andy would never have to worry about him feeling sorry for her. He felt a pang of sadness settle into his stomach, mixing with the anxiety of not yet having heard how Andy’s surgery had gone. He had to be prepared for whatever news he was about to get. He stole a glance at Traci, who was clenching the countertop with white knuckles. He could never be prepared. “Ready?” He asked her, startling her into looking up.

 

“Yeah.” She pushed past him to the door, and he could hear the shakiness of her breathing. He put an arm around her shoulder and they made their way silently back to where Oliver was waiting. From the tense set of his jaw, Sam assumed that he hadn’t heard anything. Just as he settled back onto his spot on the floor, Monica poked her head out from the swinging doors.

 

“Sam?” Her eyes dropped to his position on the floor, and her lips quirked. Sam took that as a good sign. “Would you mind following me to a room where we can talk?” Her voice betrayed nothing, and the hope Sam had felt at her smile withered and died.

 

“No, here’s fine. Nash and Oliver should know.” Traci shot him a grateful smile and Oliver just gave him a steady look. Monica looked surprised, but nodded, stepping out into the hallway.

 

“The surgery went well, there were minor complications but nothing serious. Andy had a pinched nerve in her spine, which can be serious if it isn’t caught right away. The bleeding was a result of Andy tearing her stitches, as she suspected. It was a little excessive, but once again, we gave her a transfusion and it shouldn’t have any serious lasting impact. We found the nerve and reduced the inflammation around it which should address her loss of feeling. What happened to her was basically an extreme version of your foot falling asleep.” She gave her small crowd a smile, and faltered when they didn;t return it. She wondered if they hadn’t understood. “She’s going to be completely fine.”

 

Sam swore in relief, grinning at the hard slap on his back. He nudged Oliver in return, and was surprised by a hug from Nash. As the relief that had flooded him began to subside, he swivelled to face Monica and opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off.

 

“You can see her now, but she won’t be awake for at least an hour or so.” She smiled and patted Sam on the shoulder, and turned to leave. Sam caught her arm and pulled her tightly into a hug. Monica let out a squeak of surprise, Sam never hugged anyone, not even when they had been sleeping together. She awkwardly patted him on the back, and when she drew back he looked embarrassed. 

 

“Thank you.” His voice was soft, but she could see the sincerity in his eyes. She lightly touched his cheek and then hurried away down the hall. Sam turned and walked towards the reception desk in front of him.

 

“Andy McNally.” He looked pointedly down at the nurse sitting in front of the computer. “She just got out of surgery, are they moving her back to her old room?” The nurse tapped at her keyboard and scanned the screen.

 

“Yes, she should be going back to the third floor.” Sam flashed his dimples, his smile deepening when the young nurse blushed. He spun on his heel and saw Nash and Oliver staring at him. He inclined his head toward the elevator, and his friends took the hint. The ride was silent, and Sam found himself struggling to sort through the multitude of emotions that were filling him. Relief seemed to be winning, along with a sense of purpose that hadn’t been there before. He needed to be with Andy, he knew that now. He had a feeling the road would be difficult and messy, but he wanted to start building a life with her. He didn’t even know if she wanted him back, he realized with a start. He rubbed his face tiredly. They could talk when she was awake, and feeling better. For now, it would have to be enough that she was here, and she was safe. The elevator doors opened and Sam all but sprinted the now familiar route to Andy’s room. He stared at her, taking in how pale and fragile she looked. The doctors had given her a small transfusion, just what she needed. Her normally tan skin was white and it made her look cold. With a shiver, Sam sank into the chair beside her bed and took her hand, rubbing it between his.

 

“Don’t ever scare me like that again.” He murmured sternly, sighing at the silence that followed. He would have given anything for one of Andy’s sarcastic retorts in that moment. He missed her voice, the one he would never get out of his head. “I love you.” He said quietly, placing a kiss on her forehead. Startled by a noise from behind him, Sam turned and saw Marlo standing in the door, looking angry. “Oh..” He cleared his throat, finding himself lost for words. “Hey, Marlo.”

 

She stepped into the room, pulling the door closed behind her. Her eyes flashed angrily and Sam felt dread sinking through him. Somehow, this day was about the get even worse.


	13. Begin to Begin

“I…” Sam began to say that he could explain, but as he stared at the woman in front of him, one he respected and cared for, he decided she deserved better than that. “I should have been honest with you.”

 

Marlo’s eyes softened, and she shook her head defeatedly. “You should have been honest with yourself, Sam.” She glanced beside her, taking in Andy’s sleeping form, and sighed. “I’ve been stupid. You were never really over her.” There was mild accusation in her tone, but mostly there was sadness.

 

“I’m sorry.” He didn’t deny it, any of it, and although Marlo was expecting it, the pain came anyway. 

 

“Me too.” She planted a kiss on his forehead, like the one she watched him place on Andy’s moments before. She closed her eyes, squeezing them against the tears prickling beneath them, and lingered for a moment, her lips on his temple. Then she stood, abruptly, and when Sam looked up she was gone. He let out a sigh, relief washing through him. He hadn’t meant to lead Marlo on, but he could feel a lightness in him, as though admitting his feelings to her could finally allow him to see what he really wanted. Andy. And now she was here, in front of him, slightly worse for the wear, but alive and on the mend. He was pulled from his thoughts as the hand he had pulled into his own flexed, and then tightened around his. 

 

“Andy?” His voice was soft, and the stress he had been carrying for days seemed to have dissipated along with his relationship with Marlo. He watched as Andy’s eyes fluttered briefly and then drifted open. She squinted at the harsh fluorescent light, and a scowl flitted across her face. Sam frowned. 

 

“I hate hospitals.” Her voice was low and gravelly. Sam couldn’t help the grin that stretched across his face, threatening to split his face in two. Not only was she awake, but she was feeling like herself, if the obvious impatience thick in her voice was any indication. It comforted Sam endlessly, and he knew by the look on Andy’s face that his mood came as a surprise to her. He realized after being exposed to the worst brooding version of himself every time she saw him, she would be expecting more of the same. The uncertainty in her face seemed to melt away as she watched him watch her. Her eyes fixated on his. He had missed those eyes, so full of warmth and compassion. He certainly hadn’t seen much of them lately as a consequence of how much time she had spent unconscious in recent days. 

 

“Andy…” He cleared his throat. She had just woken up, he didn’t need to jump into the heavy stuff right away. It could wait. “How are you feeling?” She seemed to be taking mental stock of herself, wiggling her fingers, then glancing down at her abdomen.

 

“I can feel my stomach.” She winced as she tried to sit up. “I guess that’s a good thing.” Sam smiled.

 

“That’s a very good thing, McNally.” She rolled her eyes at him.

 

“That’s easy for you to say. I don’t know what they did, but-” She shifted uncomfortably in the bed. “I’m kind of missing the numbness right now.” The smile on Sam’s face fell slightly. He was sure, once this was over, that he would have seen enough of Andy in pain for a lifetime. His hand shot out to cup her face.

 

“Hey, are you alright?” She nodded tiredly, and Sam backed off. He was sure of his feelings for her, he had more clarity surrounding that than he ever had, but he still didn’t know what her situation with Collins was. If they were involved… well, Sam would have to accept it. He had made a lot of mistakes leading them to exactly where they were now. If Andy had moved on, he had to take responsibility for his part in it. But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t fight for her. He had once told her that he wouldn’t give up on her, that he would keep trying, that he would do everything to convince her to give him another chance. He hadn’t kept that promise then, but he would this time around. “You want me to see if they can get you on the good painkillers?” She smiled but shook her head.

 

“I just… I want to sleep.” She opened her eyes, which had drifted closed again, and gave Sam a desperate look. “I mean I don’t want to sleep, I want to do anything but sleep. I’ve been sleeping for days but…” She trailed off, the weariness in her voice triggering a pang in Sam’s chest. He suspected her exhaustion ran deeper than what she was physically feeling.

 

“You want to sleep.” He finished her sentence, and Andy shot him a weak, but grateful smile. “Andy, you’ve been through a lot. You’ve had a big few days.” She rolled her eyes at his words.

 

“Yeah,” She murmured, “You could say that.” Her eyelids began to droop, and Sam could tell he was losing her.

 

“Sleep, McNally. I’m not going anywhere.” Andy glanced up, confusion evident on her face. Sam realized she had picked up on the deeper meaning behind his words, but she didn’t question him on it. 

 

“Sam?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Thank you.” Sam stared at her. Her eyes were shut, and he suddenly found himself wishing they were open so he could see what she was thinking.

 

“For what?” He hadn’t meant to ask, had meant to let her fall asleep, but the guilt weighing heavily on his shoulders pushed the words from his mouth.

 

“For saving me. You’re always saving me.” Her voice was dreamy, almost incoherent as she mumbled, but he caught every word. He let out a sharp breath. He hated thinking about what happened. Had he really saved her if she would never have been in danger if not for him? What if he hadn’t gotten there in time? The image of that creep with his hands all over Andy, ripping her clothes from her body, caused every muscle in his body to tense with anger. He should have never let her leave the Penny with Collins, they were both wasted. He had failed her, again. And she thought he’d saved her. He clutched her hand even more tightly in his own. His voice was a whisper, even though he knew she couldn’t hear him.

 

“You’re wrong McNally. You save me everyday.”

 

\---  
Oliver rounded the corner of the hallway, stepping quietly into Andy’s room. He stared at her as he walked toward the bed, the look of utter peace on her face so at odds with the bruises covering every inch of exposed skin. The sadness that washed over him as he took it all in was the kind reserved only for family. He knew the feeling well, and he knew what it meant. 

 

McNally was special. She was special to him, she was special to many of the coppers and whiteshirts that hung around the division, and she was special, it was obvious, to Sam. It wasn’t hard to see why the young men who worked with her, one after the other, fell in love with her. 

 

Actually, he mused, that would have been altogether too neat a situation for someone like her. Rather, they had fallen as messily as dominoes, Sam or Luke first, depending on who you asked, then Collins. He had wondered about Diaz and Epstein for a while, but they had had their own pretty rookies to fawn over. Oliver too, though in an entirely different way. 

 

Somewhere along the way he had come to appreciate her unique view on the world, and on people. He had grown fond of all his rookies, but maybe because of her relationship with Sam, Oliver had grown to love McNally like family.

 

And now she was lying in front of him, bruised but not broken, and his best friend was sleeping in an uncomfortable looking chair at her bedside. He didn’t know exactly what had happened, but Oliver could feel that something had shifted between Sam and Andy, and he was glad. He had seen from the first time Sam had brought her coffee that they were meant for each other. He had been dropping some not-so-subtle hints ever since they had broken up the first time. Jerry’s death had been hard on everyone, but it had scared the hell out of Oliver that Sam had decided to face it alone. He had never been so worried about his friend as had been then, especially knowing McNally was exactly what Sam needed to pull him out of the dark place he had gone to.

 

But that was in the past. And it looked, hopefully, like the two might be on their way back to each other. Oliver certainly hoped so. Life was short enough, adding the dangers of their occupation to that only shaved precious time off those years. It seemed a damn shame to waste what time they had, fumbling around denying that what they were looking for was each other. 

 

He smiled. Just as he turned to go, he heard a shuffling noise behind him.

 

“Oliver?” Her voice was raspy, even more so than usual, but he had missed that voice making wiseass comments in his cruiser. He turned.

 

“Hey sweetheart. How’s the gut?” He patted his own and raised an eyebrow. Andy’s bruised face feigned offense.

 

“My gut? Are you sure you’re not thinking of yourself, officer belly?” Her smile stretched all the way across her face. Oliver tried to ignore the wince of pain that followed it.

 

“Hey! I got called that one time by some smartass kid. It didn’t stick. Besides, I’ve been working out since then.” The chuckle that came from her seemed to startle Sam awake. He shot upright, then blinked blearily at Oliver.

 

“That’s right, you and Celery have been doing the, uh, cardio together?” The teasing expression on Andy’s face didn’t help the blush that burned across Oliver’s cheeks. He cleared his throat.

 

“Hmm. Yeah. Hey, look who’s finally awake! Morning Sammy!” Oliver swivelled to face Sam, effectively ending his conversation with Andy. He could practically feel the smirk on her face, aimed in his direction. He was about to prompt Sam into conversation, but he realized Sam’s eyes were trained intensely on Andy’s face. Andy must have followed his gaze, because he looked back at her to see she too was staring a little concernedly at Sam.

 

“Sam?” Her voice was almost afraid. She had been so glad to wake up earlier to find him lacking the distant broodiness he had taken with her the past few months, and now he was staring at her as if she had appeared out of nowhere. “Sam?” She prompted again, this time a little louder. He blinked, then shook his head.

 

“Oh. Sorry.” He grunted and sat back in his chair, offering no explanation. Andy and Oliver looked at each other, then back at him, waiting. He finally sighed and rubbed at his face with his hand. He mumbled something that neither of them heard.

 

“What was that, Sammy?” Oliver asked, intrigued as to why his friend was acting this way. 

 

“I just said ‘It’s been a long time since I woke up to you laughing.’” Sam muttered, glancing at Andy, then glaring at Oliver. Andy’s mouth fell open and she quickly closed it, her head falling forward so that she was staring at her hands. Oliver just chuckled.

 

“I think I’ll let you kids talk.” He grinned and patted Sam on the back, then left the room whistling. Sam rolled his eyes. He had known for a long time his friends views regarding his relationship with Andy, but he never ceased to be amazed at the lack of subtlety Oliver employed. He slowly turned back to face Andy, and was a little surprised to see her staring back at him.

 

“How are you feeling?” He found himself reverting back to a safer topic, and wondering whether Andy would let him steer the conversation away from what he had already said. She continued to stare.

 

“I’m fine. I wish everyone would stop asking me that.” She didn’t sound annoyed, just weary. Sam knew the feeling. He wished he could promise he would stop asking, but he doubted that he could help himself. Not that she ever told him when something was bothering her anyway. He smirked at her, and watched her hand twitch forward before she fisted it and held it stiffly at her side. He wondered about that, but said nothing.

 

Andy watched Sam as he smiled at her, barely resisting the urge to reach out and poke the deep dimples he displayed. She had missed having them aimed in her direction. From his earlier comment it sounded like maybe he missed her too. She had known, with immense clarity, from the moment she woke up, that she still loved him, and that he was what she wanted. There had been things, so many obstacles in their relationship, that she had begun to wonder if it was worth it. There were details of their story that even Sam didn’t know, and she didn’t know if she was ready to tell him. She had known all along that she could never be with him without telling him how deeply he had hurt her, but her secrets, if told, would hurt both of them. Now that she knew she wanted to be with him, she was ready to let him in. Her only concern was that he seemed to have moved on, he was happy with Marlo. She didn’t want to take that away from him, she kept telling herself not to be selfish. He cleared his throat.

 

“So, how’s Collins?” Sam winced internally as the words left his mouth. Now that they were out there, he realized he needed to know, one way or another, what her situation with Collins was. If he were to put his feelings on the line, and she was unavailable, it would just make things uncomfortable for both of them.

 

“He’s… fine.” Andy answered slowly, drawing out her syllables like she was thinking intensely about her words. “He was in earlier.”

 

“Yeah, I know.” Sam waited, wondering if he was going to have to ask for more information or if she would volunteer it.

 

“Oh. Right.” She remembered Sam had been in visiting her when Nick had dropped by, and that he had left swiftly. She sighed. He had obviously gotten the wrong idea about the two of them. The voice in her head questioned whether it was really the wrong idea when Sam had known about Nick’s feelings before she had. It occurred to her that Sam might not have made quite as rapid an exit as he appeared to, and she found herself wondering exactly how much he had heard. One look at his face told her he had heard at least something he didn’t like. “How’s Marlo?” She couldn’t help the words as they tumbled from her lips, she regretted bringing Marlo into things, when she had been enjoying having Sam around again. The last thing she wanted to do was talk about how happy he was with his new girlfriend.

 

“She’s good. Actually, we, uh, we broke up.” He was looking directly at Andy as she spoke, and she shivered under his intense gaze. She had a feeling this was a shifting point for them. She either fought for Sam, and put herself out there, or she would lose the option of being with him. They had already had so many chances to be together, and they had ruined them. She doubted they would get another.

 

“So.” She said, pausing to collect the courage to start a conversation that she knew might not go the way she wanted.

 

“So.” Sam replied, obviously grappling with his emotions as well. Andy realized they were both holding onto that last shred of self preservation. Don’t put yourself out there, it said, you are opening yourself up to a world of pain. She laughed internally at that sentiment. Wasn’t she in pain now? Hadn’t she been, for months? What did she have to lose anymore? Certainly not her dignity. She took a deep breath, and opened her mouth.

 

“I guess we need to talk.”


	14. The Hard Truth

Andy sighed. She had no idea where to begin. Half of her wanted to just let Sam talk, let him navigate the conversation and make it easy for her. The other half knew that if she didn’t jump in first and break her news now she would never find the courage.

 

“Sam.” His gaze was so intense she found herself flushing under it. She’d almost forgotten that he could do that, fluster her with nothing but a look. “There’s something I have to tell you.” His mouth tightened, and Andy could practically feel him withdrawing from her. She didn’t quite understand why until he cut her off.

 

“About you and Collins?” His voice was quiet, and unnervingly calm. Andy frowned.

 

“What? No, it has nothing to do with Nick. It’s… it’s about something that happened before him. With you.” It was Sam’s turn to frown, his eyebrows drawing together to create lines in his forehead. The expression aged him. Sometimes Andy forgot about the years between them, but right now she was almost glad for it. Maybe it was a good thing that he was older, that he had that perspective that came with life experience. Maybe it would make this easier. She doubted it. “I love you.” Sam blinked. “I just need you to know that.” Her voice was steady, somehow, but her heart raced at the look of concern on his face. She was scaring him. “I was pregnant.”

Sam’s eyes widened, and for a moment even the steady hum of machinery in the room seemed muted.

“What?” His voice was low, even lower than usual. He was staring at Andy, processing maybe. She knew that feeling, remembered it well. It hadn’t been that long ago that she had been given the news, turned her world upside down, even if just for a few weeks. The little wave of loss rolled through her, but it had lost potency over time. 

“About a week after we broke up I realized I was late.” Deciding it would be easier to continue if she didn’t have to look at him, Andy let her gaze fall onto a small tear in the blanket. “All I could think about was-I just didn’t think I could tell you.” She could feel his eyes boring holes in her head, but still didn’t look up. “It’s not like I didn’t think you’d be there, I knew you would. But at first I was just… I was mad at you. You broke my heart and you shut me out.” She finally looked up, saw the confusion in his eyes.

“You were pregnant.” She nodded. “So you’re not now.” She nodded again. He waited.

“I waited a few days to go to the doctor. I didn’t take any tests because I wanted to figure out what I was going to do before I knew for sure. And I was mad at you and I was trying to convince myself it would be okay to tell you.” She broke off, knowing the story only got harder from there. She reached out, grabbing Sam’s hand, and pulled it into her lap. “You were in this dark place, and I was afraid that you would just, I don’t know.” She let out a breath. “After Jerry I felt like I didn’t even know you.”

Sam made a noise that Andy didn’t recognize, and she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze as if to remind him that she was here with him now, and she didn’t hold it against him.

“I lost the baby.” Her voice was sad, even after all those months. She had come to terms with what had happened, she had moved on. But it would always tug briefly at her heart. “I was only a few weeks along, and they said that it happens a lot, you know. A lot of women don’t even know. When I went back in, the doctor said ‘You can always try again.’ I just thought to myself, I don’t think so. I didn’t think we would get another chance. I’m not telling you this to hurt you.”   
She concentrated hard on his face, as though she could make him feel her love by sending it through the air. “But we’re here, and we have this chance to try again.” She broke off at the look he gave her. “I don’t mean at that, I mean just being together. And I didn’t think I could be with you without you knowing.” She let the silence lap over them again, not feeling the need to fill it with words for once. She could wait this time.

“I didn’t handle Jerry well.” Andy just frowned at him. Before she could speak, Sam continued. “I didn’t think about how much it would hurt you to shut you out. All I could think about was-“ He seemed to be fighting himself. Andy watched as Sam took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving her face. “Jerry was my best friend. He meant more to me than anyone who wasn’t my own blood. Until you.” 

Andy felt, suddenly, like the space between them was very fragile. She found herself holding her breath, afraid to move. 

“What I felt for you, it terrified me.” Sam’s eyes flickered across her face for a moment, and Andy could feel him soaking in the sight of her bruises. She wished she could hide them from him, like she had with so many injuries in the past, but it was too late for that. “I thought if I ended it I could get rid of this fear that something would happen to you. That if it did I would lose everything.”

“Did it work?” Even though she knew the answer, Andy felt the words push across her lips. Her voice was wry, despite the emotions swirling inside her. Sam sighed.

“What do you think, McNally?” A smile ghosted across her face, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. “I’m sorry.” His voice carried a sadness that sent a twinge of pain through her heart. She had known this would hurt him, but she hated it. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” She gave the hand she was holding a tug, pulling at his arm. Sam gave her a questioning look. “Come here.” He got up, quietly, and she pulled him onto the bed beside her. He lay there stiffly, as if her were afraid to touch her.

When she raised her eyes to meet his, she saw that his were wet.

“I love you.” His voice didn’t sound different, but there was something in his face that made her feel like he had never meant that quite the way he did now. She reached out and touched his face, letting her thumb trace along his jaw. He closed his eyes, sighing.

“I love you too. We’re okay though.” His eyes flew open and he frowned. “Aren’t you tired of making things harder than they need to be?” He raised an eyebrow and Andy relented. “This doesn’t have to be complicated. I want you, Sam. That’s all I want.” She smiled at him, almost shyly, and suddenly it was his hands on her face, cupping it.

“You’re it, Andy. When I said that if I lose you, I lose everything, I meant it.” They stayed like that for a moment. Andy tried not to cry, but she hadn’t been like this, with Sam, since before she was pregnant. There was something about being in his arms, in the hospital, that was bittersweet. It was like suddenly everything that she could have had was flashing in front of her, memories that weren’t hers, would never be hers. Sam pulled her into his chest and let her cry, and it wasn’t until she started to drift towards sleep that she noticed the tears in her hair weren’t her own.

Sam woke with a yawn and then a start when his open mouth filled with hair. He reached out with one hand, the other seemed to be trapped underneath something, to push it away. Looking down, he saw Andy, and the memories of their talk came flooding back to him. He felt the weight of it settle down on him, and tightened his grip on Andy. She gave a little squeak, and he was instantly sorry for waking her.

She stretched, nearly smacking him in the face, and looked up at him in surprise.

“I’m surprised the nurses didn’t kick you out.” His heart gave a little kick at her voice, the rasp accentuated by her sleepiness. McNally had a hell of a morning voice. 

“Well,” he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, “I have connections here.” Andy pursed her lips.

“Right. You have the entire female population of the staff here wrapped around those dimples of yours.” He was about to defend himself when he felt her shaking, and realized she was laughing at him. He rolled his eyes.

“Very mature, McNally.” 

“You want mature?” She flipped to face him, and if he hadn’t known her so well he wouldn’t have caught the brief flash of surprise and pain on her face before she covered it with a sultry smile. “Is this a little too PG for you?” She pressed her lips to his, and he responded, not even realizing that this would be the first time since they had broken up that he had kissed her. The emotion of it hit him like a punch, heat roiling up in his stomach as she pulled him closer to her, hands sliding under his shirt until-

“Andy!” They broke apart with a mutual noise of surprise and turned towards the door. Sam blinked, taking in the form of his ex-girlfriend. He felt like he was surfacing from being underwater.

“Monica.” Sam noticed, with more than a little satisfaction, that Andy’s voice was uneven. “Hey.” She looked over at Sam, and his eyes glanced lightly over the flush on her cheeks. He grinned.

“You,” Monica started, as she walked towards the bed, “Are going to rip your stitches if you keep doing that.” She gave Sam a glare, and he slid reluctantly off the bed. As Monica reached Andy, she pulled the sheets down, then lifted Andy’s shirt to expose the bandage wrapped around her abdomen.

Looking very guilty, Andy opened her mouth. “Whoops.” She caught Sam’s eye over Monica’s head and flushed again at the desire in his eyes. She turned her attention back to Monica. “So, more needles?” She didn’t look overly excited at the idea.

“No,” Monica shook her head, letting Andy’s shirt fall back down. “You were lucky this time. But if I know Sam,” she bit her lip, as if unsure exactly how inappropriate her comment was going to be, “You probably won’t be a second time.” She gave Sam a stern look. “You should probably keep things vertical until this is healed. And that’s coming from a nurse, not an ex-girlfriend.” Sam tried to look sorry, but he wasn’t, and he couldn’t. Monica just rolled her eyes. “Anyways, I came in to tell you that we’re keeping you for observation tonight, but if you don’t have any more unforeseen complications,” at this she eyed Sam suspiciously, “you can probably go home tomorrow.”

“Seriously?” Andy’s eyes were wide with excitement. Sam supposed she had been getting cabin fever, cooped up like this. It felt like even longer to him, since she had been unconscious half the time, but he felt a small pang of anxiety at the idea of her back out in the world. He pushed it away. “I can go home?”

“Probably.” Monica made a few notes on the chart beside Andy’s bed, gave her a quick smile, then disappeared out the door. Andy turned to Sam.

“Did you hear that?” Her voice was full of energy, and Sam smiled at the familiarity of it. He had missed her chattering away beside him.

“I did. Keep things vertical.” He gave her a pained look. She reached out and smacked him. 

“I am so ready to get out of here.” She gave his arm another little tug, and he sat, careful not to jostle her. “It’s been a long few days.” She blew the hair out of her face, giving off the impression of an irritated child.

“McNally,” Sam reached out, pushing the hair that had fallen back in her face behind her ear, “You have no idea.”


	15. Change or Die

“You’re leaving?” Andy’s voice floated over from the couch, and Sam turned, surprised.

“I thought you were asleep.” He admitted, running a hand through his hair. He felt like he had been caught sneaking out the morning after a one night stand. After managing to get Andy up the stairs into her house, she had been so exhausted she had fallen asleep the second Sam had set her on the couch. Figuring she would be out for a while, he had decided to run back to his own house to pack a duffel bag. There was no way he was leaving Andy alone, not for a long while. He would stay with her, on her couch if he had to, until he either felt comfortable leaving her alone or she kicked him out. He had a feeling it would be the latter.

Flashing Andy a sheepish grin, he faltered at the look on her face. “Andy I was just going to my place to get some things.”

The tightness in her face eased a little. She had been tense ever since walking through the door, and surprised to see no trace of the struggle that had taken place the last time she had been home. Sam had taken care of everything, but he hadn’t known how to bring it up, and eventually decided that Andy would just figure it out when she got home. Although, from the surprise on her face, he had to wonder if she had been expecting him to bring her home to a puddle of blood and broken furniture.

“You don’t have to stay here, Sam. I’ll be okay on my own. I’m sure Traci will be over here harassing me at least once a day.” Her reassuring smile was almost convincing enough.

“Don’t you mean checking on you?” His lips quirked at the derision in her voice, mostly because he knew she didn’t mean it. He slowly made his way back to the couch, and sat beside her. Andy shrugged and rolled her eyes.

“I mean if you count bringing me food and cleaning my house and giving me pep talks checking on me.” She let the corners of her mouth lift a little, a ghost of her former smile.

“I would. But since I’m going to be staying here I wouldn’t say it’s necessary.” Sam raised an eyebrow, challenging Andy to fight him on this. “Not that that will stop her.” He added, when Andy just rolled her eyes again.

“Okay. I know you well enough to know it’s pointless to argue. And also that I probably shouldn’t bother telling you the fridge hasn’t been cleaned since before I got shot.” She said it so casually. _I got shot_. The feelings Sam had regarding that whole night were anything but casual. He knew, really, that Andy’s feelings ran deeper than she was letting on, but she had a hell of a poker face.

“Oh, so you’ve been talking to Oliver.” His eyes narrowed, and the subtle upwards turn of her lips blossomed into something resembling that smile he loved so much.

“I may have heard some things about the state of your truck after we broke up that made me never want to set foot in it again.” A laugh burbled from her lips, and for once she didn’t clutch at her side in pain. Progress. Sam registered this fact with a familiar lessening of the worry in his gut. Maybe one day he would be able to close his eyes without seeing red.

“Okay, well I might not be the best person to keep this place clean. That’s what Nash is for.” He stood up, and turned to go. He made it as far as the door before being stopped by his name.

“Sam. Just-  don’t not come back this time.” Closing his eyes, Sam sighed. He knew he deserved that, but it still stung.

“Andy, I promise. I won’t just walk out on you this time.” His words hung like ghosts in the air between them, as they both remembered the last time he’d promised the same thing. He strode back to where she was sitting and crouched in front of her as she began to speak.

“I love you, you know? I still do. And I’m okay. I mean I will be. But you and me? That’s, I don’t know. I don’t really know what we’re doing.” Andy’s voice wasn’t unsteady. She wasn’t pleading with him to stay, he realized. She was telling him that they weren’t just taking it day by day this time. He had to commit, she was asking him if he could. “I just feel like we don’t get another chance if we screw this up. And I don’t want that. We could be good. Are we actually going to work through it this time?”

Sam cradled Andy’s face in his hands, trying not to let the intensity of his emotions show.

“Hey. We are going to be fine.” He smiled, hoping to distract her from the weight of her own doubt. “It’s different this time.” He could practically feel the uncertainty emanating from her, but she didn’t say anything. She tilted her face into his hand and closed her eyes.

Watching her like that, eyes closed, vulnerable, it only solidified Sam’s feelings for her. Sometimes he forgot how young she was, she was so full of life she seemed ageless, infinite. Times like this, it almost seemed as though she suddenly found herself anchored, firmly, to the ground. Like suddenly gravity had found her all at once. As much as it pained Sam to see her this way, he knew it was just part of who she was. She was amazingly strong, and brave, and sometimes she just needed to recharge. Her ability to pick up and keep going when she was obviously hurting had blown him away from the first time they met.

“What?” Andy was eyeing him suspiciously, and Sam realized he had been staring at her without saying anything.

“Nothing.” He grinned at her, and then felt the smile slowly fall away as he looked at her. “You’re amazing, you know that?” Andy just blinked at him. He realized, with a pang, that in the past he had only made his feelings known when something was wrong. He never told her just because he felt it. But he did. Feel it. He sometimes felt like the enormity of his certainty that he wanted to be with her forever was the single thing keeping him going sometimes. To have that, something you’re sure of, was grounding. The fact that his future lay in the hands of a woman who sometimes watched him the way a wild animal watched a predator was unsettling. She was just so wary.

He figured he had earned it, probably. And now he planned to earn her trust again. It was no small thing, he thought, to push someone like Andy far enough for her to stop trusting him. It killed him a little to think of how badly she must have been hurt by him to be this afraid.

“I love you too, you know.” His thumb traced the bruise on her jaw. He felt a flash of heat in his stomach as her eyes flickered briefly down to his mouth. Gently, he pulled her head forward and pressed his lips against hers. It was sweet, at first, but quickly that tentativeness gave way to the pent up frustration that had been suppressed just under the surface ever since Andy had gotten back.

She pulled him, anything but gently, closer to her until she could wrap both arms around his shoulders. One crept up into his hair, fisting as Sam’s mouth left hers to travel slowly down her neck. She let out an unsteady breath as he pulled back, and let her arms fall back into her lap.

“I should… go.” Sam pressed a dazed kiss to the top of Andy’s head, and stumbled to his feet. Andy watched him go, flopping back onto the couch with a sigh. Suddenly, her recovery couldn’t come fast enough.

 

 

The ticking of her clock had never bothered Andy before. It was a reasonable volume, never loud enough to distract her, never loud enough to garner her notice. Tonight though, it was all she could hear. The echoes of it filled the room and seemed to vibrate in her ears. Squeezing her eyelids shut, she tried to block it out. Her room was dark, but Andy was pressing her eyes closed so tightly that she could see stars underneath them. She sighed. Grabbing the pillow that was mostly untucked from underneath Sam’s head, she flung it over her own head to drown out the sound. When she could still hear the ticking just as loudly as before she began to wonder if she was imagining it.

With a groan of annoyance, she pushed the pillow back towards Sam and sat up, painfully. She could still feel the majority of her injuries, having had just over a week to heal. The gunshot wound in her stomach was by far the worst, and it still throbbed whenever she sat up or twisted her torso. Biting down on her lip to keep from yelping with pain, she stood, and hobbled over to the wall where her clock hung. She began to reach upwards, gasping at how much the movement hurt. She lowered her arm and shot a quick glance at Sam to make sure he was still asleep.

She watched the steady rise and fall of his chest for a moment, reveling in the peace of it, then turned back to the clock. Eyeing it like the enemy that it was, she pulled the chaise in the corner of her room over to the wall, and carefully climbed onto it.

After taking the batteries out of the clock, Andy decided to head to the bathroom, since she was already up. She stepped out of the bedroom and padded softly down the hall. She swung around the corner, coming to a jarring halt at the sight of her living room.

Bathed in moonlight, the room showed no trace of the violence that had marked her home. And yet, she could see it. She turned her head and saw Dustin, forcing her through the door, a gun to her back and a knife at her throat. Looking back towards where her coffee table had been she could see him looming over her, his hands ripping at her clothes.

She felt the air rush in to fill the space where her clothes had been, and shivered. She couldn’t stop shivering. Why was it so cold? _I should move._ She thought, absently, still watching the ghosts of that night as they played through every moment of the nightmare that had been her assault. _I should go back to bed._ But she didn’t. She stayed there, frozen, shivering, and watched.

 

 

Sam woke with a start, his arm reaching out for Andy as the last dregs of his nightmare faded away. He meant to touch her, just to feel that she was there, that she was safe. But she wasn’t. He bolted upright, and glanced around the room. He wasn’t sure, but he thought that that stupid chair that Andy insisted on calling a chaise had been moved. There was also a bare hook on the wall where he was pretty certain a clock had been.

Frowning, he slid from the bed and stepped cautiously into the hallway.

“Andy?” His voice sounded harsh and loud as it broke the silence, but his heart seemed drown it out as his anxiety grew. There was no reply. “Andy?” He called, a little louder, the panic in his voice just barely contained. His feet were moving of their own accord now, flying across the hardwood, taking him around the corner into the living room then stumbling to a stop. He teetered for a moment, trying to keep his balance and not crash into Andy, who stood completely still, staring at the wall.

He reached out to touch her, hesitating for a moment while he wondered if she was sleep walking. Then he saw it. The fear. It was like her eyes had opened completely and he could see directly inside her. Her pupils had dilated to the point where Sam couldn’t see a trace of the warm brown he loved so much. His eyes travelled down to her arms, and he took in the goosebumps covering her pale skin. She was freezing.

“Andy!” He didn’t want to scare her, but he was afraid to touch her, and he was simply afraid, afraid he was losing her, afraid she was hurting, afraid that the fear was threatening to take over. She jerked around, her huge eyes taking Sam in, and then she was in his arms. He held her, rubbing his hands up and down her arms, trying to give her some of his heat and maybe just some of him. He realized she was speaking into his chest but he couldn’t make out what she was saying. “Sorry, what was that?”

“Can we stay at your place?” Her voice was tired, and she suddenly felt frail in his arms. He leaned down gently and picked her up, carrying her back to the bedroom. Setting her gently on the bed, he grabbed the comforter and wrapped it around her, noting the worrying shade of blue on her lips.

“Yeah. Just sit here for a sec, while I pack some stuff.” He gave her a quick kiss before reluctantly turning away. He grabbed the duffel bag that he had filled with his own clothes earlier that day. Filling it with a few things Andy might need before he could come back and pack properly, he stole a glance back at Andy. She was watching him, her feet dangling over the side of the bed like a child. Her eyes were still big, but they were slightly less afraid, and the color seemed to be seeping back into her face. He blew out a breath of relief, and grabbed his jacket from where he’d left it draped over the chaise.

After giving Andy a once over to make sure she hadn’t ripped her stitches or otherwise hurt herself, Sam bundled her back up in the comforter.

“Come on, you can bring that with you.” He nodded at the comforter, and Andy nodded and hopped gingerly off the bed. Following her to the front door, he tried not to notice the way she kept her head down when they walked through the living room. He locked up, and threw the duffel in the back of the truck.

Rounding the corner of his street, Sam glanced over at Andy, who had been quiet the whole ride. He smiled when he saw her eyes were closed, and took great comfort in the steady rhythm of her breathing. She was finally asleep.

Later, when they had both settled into his bed, and Andy had passed out again, Sam lay awake. He had a feeling Andy wasn’t going to be ready to go back to her place. He wondered, sadly, if she would ever really want to live there again. He rolled over and watched her sleep until his own eyes began to drift shut. Maybe, he thought with a smile, she could just stay here with him. Maybe, he wouldn’t ever have to let her go again.

 


	16. Making Up Is Hard To Do

Sam woke up to the smell of coffee, and tumbled blearily out of bed to follow his nose to the kitchen. He smiled as he came upon Andy, her feet propped up on one chair as she sat in another studying the paper. She looked up as he came into the room and flashed him a smile. There was no hint of the breakdown last night, so Sam decided to follow her lead and not mention it. 

“You’re up early.” He had been surprised not to find her in bed, especially considering she couldn’t have gotten much sleep. He glanced over at the clock on his microwave and raised his eyebrows. It was still before 6. “Really early.” He made his way over to the coffee pot, rubbing his eyes with the hope they would stay open.

“Yeah, I know.” Andy didn’t tell Sam that she had woken up and reached for her phone only to come up with a handful of earrings that weren’t hers. Suddenly that bed had felt a little cramped. She found herself hoping Sam had washed the sheets while she had been in the hospital. It wasn’t that Andy was a jealous person, competitive maybe. But the idea of laying with Sam, in a bed that Marlo had been in just a week before, was not something she wanted to prolong. So she’d set the earrings back where she’d found them and settled into her old spot in Sam’s kitchen. It felt better, reassuring almost. Like knowing where everything was, picking up her old routine and her old spot here made her feel like she belonged. She wanted to belong back in this life, with him. But she was beginning to realize some things had changed, and moving forward meant embracing the change. 

Sam took a sip of his coffee, giving the caffeine a little time to hit his system while he admired the view. Andy in her oversized Leafs t-shirt, her bare legs propped up in a way one could almost call exhibitionism. The picture she made in that chair, her chair, was one he had been missing.

“You want a refill?” Sam held his hand out to her, and Andy passed him her mug. He filled the mug and popped it in the microwave for a few seconds before topping it up with milk. Andy grinned as he handed it back to her.

“Extra hot, lots of milk?” There was comfort in the familiarity, a confirmation that at the core of all that had changed, they were still the same people. A little older maybe, a little wiser hopefully, a lot more jaded. But still the same. And Sam still knew how Andy took her coffee. It was a good place to start. Sam lifted Andy’s feet and slid into the chair, placing her feet in his lap. She smiled and handed him the Arts & Life section of the paper. Sam frowned.

“What’s this? Where are the Sports?” He pushed the arts section across the table with a look of disgust. Andy pushed it back towards him with a look that was equally smug. 

“I think there’s something in there you might want to see.” Her eyes gleamed with a barely contained excitement that tugged at Sam’s curiosity. He flipped the paper open and raised his eyebrows at the first headline he saw. 

“Crop tops for men? Are you trying to tell me something?” His lip curled slightly and he sent a leer in Andy’s direction. “If you want to see me naked, all you have to do is ask.” She laughed and smacked him, grabbing the paper from his hands. 

“No! There’s an article uhh…” She bit her lip as she flipped through the pages, and Sam resisted the urge to pull her closer and bite it himself. Seeming to have found what she was looking for, she slapped the paper down in front of him. “There!”

Sam glanced down to where she was pointing and felt his lips quirk at what he saw.  
“Def Leppard?” He was momentarily distracted at the brilliance of her smile. He forced himself to focus on what she was saying.

“They’re coming to Toronto. I thought you might want to go.” Sam stared at her. 

“Andy, you hate classic rock.” He wished he hadn’t said it the moment the words left his mouth. The regret came swiftly as he watched the smile slide off Andy’s face.

“Yeah, but you love them. I just thought it would be nice.” She shrugged, and reached out to take the paper back from him. His hand snaked out and caught hers.

“Andy. I would love to go.” Her eyes searched his face for a moment, as though afraid he might be patronizing her.

“Okay.” She let her hand rest in Sam’s for a few seconds, before withdrawing it. “It’s in August. I think they have two shows.” Her eyes scanned the page. “The twelfth or the twenty-fourth.” She looked up at Sam expectantly.

“That’s six months from now.” Andy raised her eyebrows. Sam looked at her for a moment, then leaned forward suddenly. He grabbed Andy’s face, almost roughly, and kissed her. She let out a noise of approval, and pushed herself forward into Sam’s lap. Running her fingers along his neck, she bit back a smile when he shivered. There were some things you just never forgot about a person. Responding with enthusiasm, Sam tightened his grip on her waist, squeezing, then suddenly pulling away.  
Andy groaned.

“Andy, we can’t.” The obvious regret on Sam’s face did not do anything to help the electric current running across her hips where Sam’s hands had been. She refused to relent her hold on his neck as he tried to pull away. 

“Sam, I’m fine.” She tried to raise her arms above her head to prove her point, but ended up wincing so hard she almost fell off of his lap. His arms were around her before she could even register what was happening. “Ow.” All pretense aside, she slid off Sam’s lap and lifted her shirt to inspect for damages. She could feel his eyes on her and she sighed.

“Yeah. You’re fine.” Sam stood. Andy felt the absence of his gaze before she heard his footsteps. She looked up in time to see his shoulders disappearing around the corner.

“Sam?” She dropped her shirt and jogged after him. “What’s wrong?” He turned back to face her from his spot by the bedroom window.

“Why do you do that?” He didn’t sound angry, just resigned. It wasn’t a good sign.

“Do what?” Andy tried, tentatively, to put her hand on his arm but he pulled away.

“Pretend you’re fine. Do you know how sick I am of hearing that?” His eyes were intense, the anger starting to build behind them. They had already fought this battle, in the hospital. She hadn’t thought about it, but it turned out they had never resolved this particular issue.

“I- It’s just how I am. You know that.” It felt wrong as it came out for some reason, even though it was the truth. Andy would have known exactly the face Sam was making at that moment even if she hadn’t been standing in front of him. 

“Look, you want me to be honest with you, but it’s like you don’t trust me. You can’t have it both ways Andy.” Sam sank into the bed, tired after everything they had been through the past few weeks. It was precisely the fact that he knew Andy did trust him, for the most part, that frustrated him. It was such a simple thing to let yourself be vulnerable in front of someone. It was the intimacy, he realized. Showing weakness to someone on purpose, just for the sake of sharing yourself with them was incredibly intimate. Sam hadn’t even realized it was something he was missing until he had looked at Andy, pale and fragile yet somehow still stronger than anyone he had ever met. He had just taken one look at her as she stood her ground in his bedroom, ready to fight for him this time, and wanted it.

“Hey.” Andy’s voice called him out of his own thoughts. “It’s a habit. You know my family, what they’re like.” She broke eye contact as she spoke, and Sam knew she didn’t like to complain about her childhood. She always ended up feeling guilty and insisting that Tommy had done the best he could. “I took care of myself. If I got hurt my dad would worry, but he was never good at handling stuff like that, so you know I just dealt with it.” She raised her eyes to meet his. “I know you’re not like him, I know that. I’m sorry.” 

Sam sighed and stepped towards her, wrapping her in a gentle hug. She pressed her face against his chest and pulled him tighter until he could feel her heart beating against his stomach. 

“I promise I’ll try to complain more.” Her words were muffled into his shirt but Sam understood, and he laughed. 

“That’s all I’m asking.” 

Andy let out a yelp of surprise when Sam lifted her off her feet and carried her back to the kitchen. Setting her back in the position he had found her, he let his gaze linger for just a moment before turning to the stove. 

“Are you cooking?” Andy’s eyes were suddenly bright and Sam felt a smirk tugging at his face. He might not be the world’s best housekeeper but he was a damn good cook. He pretended it wasn’t important but the truth was he took pride in it. Andy knew, she had figured it out the first time he cooked for her. Instead of layering on the compliments she had simply begun to display great enthusiasm any time he got anywhere near the kitchen. For some reason it did more for his ego than a lifetime of compliments. 

“Any requests?” He asked, because he felt obliged, and also because it was more than possible that in their time apart Andy had changed her taste in breakfast foods. She grinned at him.

“I could probably choke down some blueberry pancakes.” Sam’s answering smile was one of the freest in a while, and he hid it as he turned to grab a mixing bowl. “Oh, but no lemon butter.” Sam swiveled around in surprise.  
“You have a problem with lemon butter now? I don’t know McNally, that might be a deal breaker.” Andy laughed, but the following sigh was real.

“Citrus allergies remember?” She looked almost depressed at the thought, and Sam tilted his head in thought.

“Okay, so we’ll use maple syrup like the rest of the civilians.” He felt a flutter of pleasure as he watched the smile return to Andy’s face, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead on his was to grab eggs from the fridge. 

As Andy watched Sam from her perch at the kitchen table, she felt a sense of easy comfort that took her by surprise. Was it possible that things could work out for them this time? She hadn’t even been aware of exactly how much doubt she had surrounding their relationship, up until this point she had been surging ahead on hope despite her fears. She doubted that all of their fights would be resolved this easily, or end in pancakes, because she knew Sam. And if she was being honest she knew herself.

He was right, when he said that she had walls up. She hadn’t said anything for fear of making things worse for herself, but she thought the reason her guardedness bothered Sam so much was that he wasn’t used to being affected by it. Usually he was on the other side of that wall. Andy rubbed her face, disguising her expression of sadness when the thought of how much she missed having Sam on the inside with her. She was trying to let him back in, but they were not where they had been.

The doorbell broke through the sounds of Sam mixing, and Andy glanced at him.

“Are you expecting someone?” She glimpsed at the clock, it was still early.

“No, I don’t think anyone even knew I was here. I told everyone who would care that I was staying with you.” He frowned, but headed out to answer the door. 

Andy could hear a woman’s voice, and she stood to go see who it was, but was reminded of her state of undress when a draft blew across her bare legs. Just as she turned to grab her sweats from the bedroom she heard footsteps coming from the hall. Panicking a little at the thought of being ambushed by a stranger while she was half naked, she froze.

Before she had time to regain her senses and grab the throw off the back of the couch, she was face to face with their visitor. A tall, gorgeous, completely dressed visitor.

“Um,” Andy held out her hand to the guest, feeling ridiculous but not knowing what else to do. “Hi. I’m Andy.” The woman took her hand.

“Nice to meet you Andy. I’ve heard a lot about you.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So most of you guessed it, that was Sarah at the door. I'm not sure how you guys picture her, but I wrote her like I would like to see her. I doubt she'll actually be anything like my character (I'm sure you guys will see what I mean) but hey, it's my story. Anyways, I hope you guys like this chapter, and this character. Thanks a million for the reviews, I've been busy starting a new fic for the 100 which you can find under my account (it's called Rain) but I promise I haven't abandoned this one. So. read, review and count the days (18!!!) until we get our rookies back!

               Sam watched, highly entertained, as Andy shook hands with his sister. Leave it to Andy to be half naked when she met his family for the first time. Not that her long legs would make anything but a good impression on Sarah. He watched his sister’s eyes travel the length of Andy’s legs, and cleared his throat.

               “Andy, this is my sister Sarah.” Sarah winked at him.

               “Oh.” Relief tinged Andy’s voice, and Sam had to wonder who she thought would visit him at 6 in the morning. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He gestured toward the kitchen, and Sarah drifted towards the table, sitting in the chair Andy had been occupying moments before. He glanced at Andy.

               “I’m just going to put on some pants. I’ll be back in a second.” She scurried down the hall, shooting Sam a glare. He wasn’t sure what he was in trouble for, but he figured she would tell him soon enough. He wandered back to the kitchen.

               “She doesn’t need to get dressed on my account.” Sarah shot him a salacious grin, prompting a flick on the head from Sam.

               “Stop flirting with my girlfriend. What would Dana say?” Sarah’s long term girlfriend lived just outside the city, and had been trying to get Sarah to move in with her for years. It was a battle she was losing, Sarah said she was too afraid to move back to the city, but Sam knew she what she was really afraid of was the commitment.

               “I don’t know. We broke up.” Sam straightened in his chair.

               “You wanna talk about it?” He had questions, sure, but he wasn’t the type to pry. Sarah would, inevitably, break down and let the whole story out at some point, so there was little point in trying to force her to talk about it now. She shook her head, eyeing the mixing bowl and the mess on the counter.

               “You making pancakes?” The look on her face was hopeful. Sam grinned.

               “Apparently. I hope blueberry’s okay.” He stood to finish mixing the batter.

               “Blueberry? What happened to chocolate chip?” Sarah came to sit on the counter beside him, swinging her legs in a way that reminded Sam of a younger version of her. He wasn’t nostalgic, but he remembered what Sarah was like before the attack. He wondered how different she would be if it had never happened. She seemed to have moved on with her life, she’d gotten a steady job and a girlfriend she seemed to be happy with. Until now. Sam shrugged.

               “Andy likes blueberry. I just got into the habit. It’s healthier.” He shot a glance at his sister, the one who could have been a model in another life. She had a hell of a metabolism, she ate nearly as much as he did, but she had always been slim. There had been a time, after the attack, when she had hated her looks. Sam’s guess was that she felt like it was what had made her a target. Knowing what he did now, he doubted that was actually the case, but it had really affected her. She had cut off her hair and taken to a consistent wardrobe of sweat pants and hoodies. Clearly, she was over that now. Sam knew for a fact she wouldn’t be caught dead in sweat pants outside of her apartment.

               “Andy, huh. Just how serious is this Sammy?” She nudged him with her foot. He shot her a look. She knew how he was about feet.

               “I can’t really say for her.” He shrugged, having accepted his own feelings a while ago. “She’s it for me.” He could feel Sarah staring, wide eyed. He tried not to let it freak him out.

               “Well. That’s a new one.” She cocked her head, continuing to stare at him for a few moments, as though trying to figure him out. “You look happy.” Sam looked at her.

               “I am happy. Andy’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” When he turned to grab a pan from the cupboard Sarah was smirking at him.

               “Yeah. I’m sure it doesn’t hurt that she’s smokin hot and ten years younger than you.” Sam rolled his eyes, as Andy picked an inopportune moment to round the corner into the kitchen. She raised her eyebrows. Sarah stared back at her, unabashed.

               “Don’t you think he’s a little young to be having a mid-life crisis?” Andy’s voice was challenging, but not unkind. Sarah’s smile only grew.

               “Sarah didn’t mean-” Andy cut Sam off, her expression telling him to stay out of it.

               “Sure she did. I mean, that’s what you were saying right?” Her gaze was unflinching. Sam stood still, watching the exchange uncomfortably. He fought the childish urge to back slowly out of the room and hide in his bedroom.

               “I like her.” Sam looked at his sister, her grin now stretching from ear to ear. “She’ll be good for you.” She turned her attention back to Andy. “Consider it a compliment.” Andy shrugged.

               “Okay.” Sam glanced between the two women, wondering if the bizarre stand-off was over and he could resume making pancakes. Not wanting to wait for them to find something else to argue about, Sam stepped between them.

               “Pancakes anyone?” It was an obvious diversion tactic, but it worked. Andy and Sarah exchanged a glance, then sat facing each other at the table. Sam busied himself at the stove, shooting nervous glances at the table every few moments.

Before long, Andy had Sarah deep in conversation about the crime rate in the city versus the suburbs.

               “It’s really not that much safer-”

               “How can you say that, with your job? If it was so safe, you and Sammy would be out of a job.” Sarah shook her head. Andy looked surprised.

               “Uh, I mean aren’t there cops in St. Catherines?” It was Sarah’s turn to be surprised. Picking up on it, Andy shrugged. “Sam mentioned it.”

               “Hmm.” Sarah squinted at her brother. “You know, Sam’s only ever brought one other girl to meet me.”

               “Technically,” Sam called over his shoulder, as he flipped the pancakes. “I didn’t bring Andy to meet you. You barged into my house at 6 in the morning. Uninvited.” Sarah scowled at his back. “Don’t give me that look.” He glanced over his shoulder and frowned reprovingly at her. Andy bit back a laugh. She had been watching the exchange with interest, having never experienced sibling warfare herself.  Sarah noticed Andy’s expression.

               “You don’t have any siblings, do you?” Andy shook her head.

“I have two step siblings. I’ve never met them.” She set her in chin in her hand, thoughtful. “I’m not on the best terms with my mother.” Sam and Sarah exchanged a look. Andy frowned, afraid to ask.

               She had never asked about Sam’s mother. She knew his father had been hard on him, to the point of abuse. He had a thing about dredging up the past, so she had let it slide. He had been quick to offer advice about how she should handle her mother, Andy mused, for someone who didn’t even seem to have one. Finally unable to contain her curiosity, she asked. “Do I wanna know?” The siblings looked at each other, and Andy was struck by their resemblance. Sarah, Andy knew, was the older sibling. Andy wasn’t sure how many years she had on Sam’s 36, but it couldn’t be many. She was slim, and her features were a delicate replication of Sam’s. They both had the same dark hair, and it looked like the infamous dimples ran in the family as well. Sarah studied Andy, seeming to be making a decision.

               “Yeah. I’m not on the best terms with mine either.” She sighed. Andy was surprised to see Sam tense. She wondered if there was more drama in the Swarek family tree than she was aware of.

               “Oh. I’m sorry.” Andy shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her hand unconsciously moving to rest on her stitches. She glanced at Sam, who seemed to be deep in concentration flipping pancakes. “I didn’t know.” There was no accusation in her tone. She had learned a long time ago that Sam would let her in on his own time. Pushing never worked. Sarah smiled.

               “It’s okay. She didn’t agree with my lifestyle.” Sarah put air quotes around the word lifestyle. Andy raised her eyebrows.

               “That’s awful.” Having been abandoned when she was a kid, Andy could relate to feeling like there was something wrong with you. For years she had been convinced it was something she had done that had made Claire leave. Eventually she had accepted that it had nothing to do with her. In some ways, that had almost been worse.

               Shrugging, Sarah, stood and walked over to the coffee pot.

               “Yeah. It’s not like it's a surprise. I came out while my dad while still living with us. Obviously, it did not go over well.” From the stove, Sam sighed.

               “You’re leaving out the part where you walked in the door, shouted ‘Hey dad, I’m a dyke’ and started making out with Lisa Dewitt.” Andy suppressed her laughter behind her hand. Both siblings turned to stare at her.

               “I’m sorry. It’s probably not funny.” She blushed apologetically.

               “Actually,” Sarah said slowly, her expression thoughtful, “It was.” She grabbed a mug from the cupboard, clearly familiar with the layout of Sam’s kitchen. She filled it with coffee, then sat back down across from Andy. “But no one ever laughs. They’re usually afraid I’ll be offended.” She shook her head. “You’re different than I expected.”

               “Yeah, well. So are you.” Sarah frowned.

               “Because I’m gay?” Andy fought the urge to roll her eyes. She was beginning to feel like she was taking a very delicate exam. One wrong answer and she would fail to meet Sarah’s expectations. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her, but it was a little early for this kind of interrogation.

               “I was going to say because you’re outgoing, and you actually talk, unlike Sam. But I didn’t know you were gay, if that’s what you’re asking.” Sarah swiveled in her chair to face her brother.

               “You embarrassed of me, Sammy? Didn’t tell your girlfriend that your sister was a lesbian?” Sam looked distinctly unruffled.

               “Jesus, Sarah. Isn’t it a little early for this?” Sarah refused to lower her gaze, staring him down. He sighed. “Andy, my sister’s gay. Does that bother you?” Andy was almost taken aback at his directness. She wished she could get him to do that around her. She would have to ask Sarah to teach her.

               “No. I’m kind of wondering why she’s here at six a.m. on a Thursday though.”

               “I broke up with my girlfriend.” Cutting Sam out of the conversation, Sarah winked at Andy. “If you ever feel like ditching my brother, you could always come see me.” Amused, Andy shook her head.

               “In St. Catherines?”

               “No.” Sarah’s smile suggested she was about to make an announcement. “I’m moving back to the city.” Sam dropped the spatula he was holding.

               “What?” His face was full of disbelief, even a little frustration. Andy got the sense she was missing something.

               “Don’t sound so excited to have me around.” Sam didn’t take the bait. He groaned in frustration.

               “Seriously? You and Dana break up and then you finally decide to move back to the city?” Sarah, for the first time, actually looked shocked.

               “Sam-”

               “Hey, I liked Dana. I just don’t get it.” He turned back to the pancakes, flipping the last one onto a plate. Andy felt decidedly in the middle of an argument she didn’t belong to.

               “She proposed.” Andy saw the surprise in Sam’s eyes, and she jumped to her feet, thrusting her hands under the plate of pancakes. He gave her a strange look.

               “What? I didn’t want you to drop the pancakes.” She snatched the plate from his hands and turned back to the table.

               “Andy.” Sarah was staring at her, concerned. Andy looked down, and saw the blood seeping into her shirt.

               “Oh, shit.” She dropped the plate on the table and hurried to the sink, lifting her shirt. “Sam, did you pack the bandages?” He nodded, and disappeared towards the bedroom. Neither of them were very worried, after everything they had been through recently, this was essentially a minor mishap. Sarah, on the other hand, was looking startled.

               “Are you alright?” Andy nodded.

               “I’m fine. I didn’t even pull any stitches, I think I just reopened it a little at the bottom.” She craned her neck to peer at the section of her injury that hadn’t been stitched closed. “Can you grab that towel?” Sarah leaped to her feet, grabbing the dish towel hanging on the oven door. She held it out to Andy, who ran it under the faucet. Dabbing at the blood, there really wasn’t much, Andy was very aware of Sarah’s eyes on her. She realized her bruises looked worse than ever, now that half of them were yellowing and green. She assumed Sarah didn’t know about the attack.

               “Was this a work thing?” Sarah’s voice was a little strained. Andy wondered if it was bringing up bad memories. She shook her head.

               “Uh, no.” She searched for the words. She didn’t want to scare Sarah away from the city, but she also didn’t want to lie. She realized this wasn’t going to be the last time she would tell this story. The thought unsettled her. “It was at my place, I was just getting home after drinks with… a friend.” If Sarah noticed how Andy stuttered over the word friend, she didn’t comment on it. “There was some guy I met when I took Sam to the hospital.” She glanced up from her stomach, at Sarah. It looked, from her expression, like Sam had filled her in on his little fall in the shower. Andy kept going, feeling a strange sense of detachment as she spoke. “I guess he was following me. We… fought. Sam showed up just in time.” She flashed back to a scene from the locker room, it seemed like forever ago.

_I’m there when it matters._

               He had been, too. She smiled. Sarah gave her a strange look, and Andy realized she probably look perverse, grinning as she told the story of her attempted rape and assault. She tried for a neutral expression.

               “I thought he was down, I guess Sam did too, but then he shot Sam.” Sarah’s eyes widened. “He’s fine, it hit his vest, but uh, he was knocked out.” As if she could see it all happening again, her heart gave a little kick, and her chest constricted. She had to gasp a little to get the air in. “I didn’t know about the vest, I didn’t know and I thought-” She broke off as Sarah came up to her, taking the towel from her hand. Gently, she uncurled Andy’s fingers, which were clenched around the bloody towel, and lead her to a chair. She handed her a box of tissues, Andy hadn’t realized she was crying but she reached up and felt the wetness on her cheeks. “Sorry.” She closed her eyes, trying to calm herself. It didn’t help.

               Suddenly, there was a hand on her face. The scent of Sam’s soap drifted towards her, and she opened her eyes. He was crouching in front of her. Just the sight of him, whole and concerned, and a little bit sexy in his dark gray Henley, calmed her. She sighed, reaching out grabbing a fistful of his hair, just wanting that extra contact. Her heart rate slowed back to normal. Releasing his hair, Andy grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her face. Eyeing her, as though deciding whether or not to talk about it, Sam reached behind him. He pulled out a wad of gauze and medical tape, placing it on the table. There was a noise from behind them, and both of them started, having forgotten that Sarah was in the room.

               “He’s in jail?” There was something about her face, like she was desperately trying to hide her fear, which made Andy’s heart ache. She knew what it was like to be afraid. She also knew what it was like to feel ashamed by it. She locked eyes with Sarah, suddenly feeling hard. She was just one more women who had fallen prey to some man who couldn’t take no for an answer. But she wasn’t a victim.

               “No.” Her voice was steely, her eyes just as hard. “He’s dead. I killed him.” 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I've been running out steam on this story for quite some time as I'm sure you can tell. I wanted to wrap it up, I didn't want to just abandon it, so this is the last chapter. It's been a journey, and you guys have been so great, so I hope this doesn't feel rushed. Please enjoy, and make sure you're watching season 5 to keep those ratings up! I'm really hoping we can get one more season out of this show. So please review, tell me what you thought of the story as a whole, and may the wind always be at your back, friends!

 

 

               Andy was getting along with Sarah a lot better than either of them expected. Clearly it had taken Sam by surprise as well. The first morning he had to go back to work he was glad someone was with her, but something about leaving Andy with Sarah made him uneasy. Maybe it was simply the knowledge that Sarah had stories he never wanted Andy to hear. She’d been with them for a week so far, and Sam had already stretched his minor leave of absence to the breaking point, so he’d given in and left Sarah strict instructions not to let Andy out of her sight. Not that Andy knew that. She wouldn’t relish the idea of having a babysitter.

               He was almost surprised to come home to find the house as he’d left it, Andy well and whole in the kitchen. He approached her at the stove with an air of apprehension.

               “What are you making?” She spun around, glad to see him. They hadn’t spent much time apart since the accident, and 12 hours had started to seem like 12 days. He grabbed the spoon out of her hand, not wanting to get red sauce all over his t-shirt.

               “I,” She said, winding her arms around his shoulders, “am making seafood fettuccini with red sauce.” Sam stared at her. Andy wasn’t the greatest chef, anything she made was either delicious or disastrous. He usually cooked not only because he enjoyed it, but also because he wasn’t sure he would ever recover from the braised short ribs she’d made that had tasted like metal and ash. His preoccupation with her cooking dissipated as she stood on her toes and leaned up for a kiss. He had missed her, more than he would like to admit.

“Hmm.” He hummed into her neck, stopping short when he remembered their houseguest. “Where’s Sarah?”

“She’s staying with a friend tonight. Jamie?” Sam jerked away.

“What? Jamie McAllister?” Andy nodded. He groaned.

“Why? Who is that?” Sam sighed, wrapping an arm around her waist and checking that the burner was off before pulling her over to the couch in the living room. She sat against the arm rest, putting her feet in his lap.

“She’s an ex-girlfriend of Sarah’s. She’s not a great influence.” Andy waited, hesitant to pry. “She broke Sarah’s heart, then married a guy two months after they broke up.” Andy’s heart throbbed a little for Sarah. She knew what it was like to watch the person you love move on when you hadn’t. But then, things had turned out alright for her.

“So how does her husband feel about Sarah coming over then?” Andy asked, suddenly wondering if she should have been keeping closer tabs on her new friend. Sam shook his head, running his hand absently along her calf.

“She’s divorced now.” He said nothing else, and Andy let the subject drop. She was going to have a few questions for Sarah in the morning. All thoughts of Sam’s sister flew out of her head as his hands trailed farther up his leg, pushing the leg of her jeans up around her knee. “You’ve got a little red sauce.” He pointed to her neck. She swiped at it, and he grinned, flashing his dimples. “No, here.” He leaned forward, his tongue darting out toward the small splash of red on her neck. He laughed.

“What?” Andy regarded him warily.

“It’s just- your sauce is actually pretty good.” She whacked him with a cushion.

“You don’t have to sound so surprised.” She leaned forward, grabbing his face in her hands. “I kind of missed you today.” His face softened.

“I kind of missed you too, McNally.” Her smile was soft and happy, and Sam hadn’t seen one quite like it in a long time. It stirred the heat in his stomach, more than anything cheaper or more obvious would.

“I kind of love you, Sam Swarek.” He grinned, grabbing both feet and pulling her in until she was straddling him.

“I love you.” He would never be tired of hearing that from her, and although it was new to him, he would never be tired of saying it.

She got up, holding out her hand to him. “Come on.” He raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t think you’ve been cleared for that.”

She rolled her eyes.

“I feel fine. Come on Swarek, look alive.” He smirked, getting to his feet. Ignoring Andy’s outstretched hand, he scooped her off her feet, carrying her to the bedroom. She laughed all the way there, and he felt the vibrations against his chest. Later that night when he fell asleep with her in his arms he wondered what his life would be like without her. His grip on her tightened a little, and she sighed in her sleep. He wasn’t letting her get away this time.

 

“Morning lovebirds!” The door banged open and Sarah strode in, looking as though she’d been awake for hours. Sam just groaned, pulling the covers up over his head. Andy let out a little yelp, making sure the sheets covered her bra. Sarah rolled her eyes.

“Oh relax, Andy. I’m a promised woman.” She winked. Andy struggled to wake up, trying to make sense of what Sarah was saying.

“What are you talking about?” In response, Sarah held up her hand, a massive pear cut diamond glinting in the early morning light.

“What?!” Andy leapt out of bed, completely forgetting that she was wearing only her underwear. She winced a little as the movement tugged at her healing stitches, but no permanent damage seemed to have been done. Sam had been ignoring both of them, their conversation blocked out by the comforter. When Andy jumped out of bed, he threw back the covers, taking in the scene before him with more than a little confusion. Andy was standing in her underwear, her hair wild, face nearly smushed against his sister’s hand.

“What the hell…” He climbed out of bed, grabbing the pair of jeans that had been discarded the night before. He also reached for his t-shirt, throwing it at Andy. “Put some clothes on McNally.” Andy tore her gaze away from Sarah’s hand for long enough to catch the shirt and pull it over her head. It didn’t occur to her to be embarrassed.

“Sarah!” Andy ignored Sam, turning back to his sister. “What the hell happened last night? Did Jamie-” Sarah cut her off, shaking her head.

“I’m in the mood for French toast.” She gave Sam a mischievous smile, disappearing into the hallway. “I’ll explain once I’ve been fed.” Andy glanced over at her boyfriend, feeling a twinge of pity. He was shirtless, his pants pulled on but unbuttoned. His hair was tousled from sleep and sex, and his eyes were still half shut. He looked confused and a little afraid. She couldn’t help laughing.

“McNally.” He was behind her, his voice still rough with sleep. She loved that sound. “What the hell is going on?” She just grabbed her pants off the floor, slipping them on, and turned to follow Sarah into the kitchen. That was a very good question, one she intended to get an answer to.

“C’mon. Sarah wants French toast and I want to know whose engagement ring that was.” The look on Sam’s face was priceless.

 

“Tell me you aren’t marrying the girl who cheated on you and stood you up on your anniversary.” Sam’s voice was still tired, but it held a little bite. Andy smiled. He was clearly still protective of his sister, even after all these years. Sarah had remained silent while he made breakfast, and Andy had waited for her to start. Sam however, was not as patient. Sarah made a face.

“No. This,” She held up her hand again, and Andy couldn’t help but admire the ring. “Is from Dana.” Andy stared at her. She had a feeling this was going to be a long story.

“What? I thought you were staying at Jamie’s?” Sarah nodded.

“I was. But Dana called, she said she wanted to talk, so I said I would meet her for a drink on my way to Jamie’s. Honestly, I was expecting bad news or something, because she was pretty pissed the last time we talked. I wasn’t expecting her to call me again. But we got there, and she just asked me if I was happy.” Sarah’s voice was wistful. “I told her sure, I was happy. Why wouldn’t I be? But she’s always been able to see right through me, so she said wasn’t, and she missed me.” She took a huge bite of toast, chewing while Andy and Sam waited on her to finish. It was clear she was enjoying this. “We just got to talking, and I realized that I had been thinking that spending my life with someone was a big commitment, one that was too big for me. But I love her.”

Andy was momentarily distracted by Sam’s hand grabbing hers. She glanced at him, and realized he didn’t even know he was doing it.

“Spending my life without Dana, that’s a commitment I didn’t want to make. Life is however long it is, you know? I’m going to have to get through it whether I’m married or not. And honestly, it seems a lot longer when I picture it without her.” The kitchen was quiet as Sarah continued eating, looking perfectly casual, and not like she had just gotten engaged and made a heartfelt speech. Andy didn’t really know where to start.

“I-Congratulations!”

 Sarah grinned at her. “Thank you.” She turned her gaze to her brother, who was staring impassively back at her. Her smile faltered. “Sammy?” He frowned, raising his mug of coffee to his lips, and taking a long sip. Andy kicked him under the table.

“Sam!” He sighed, putting the mug back down.

“It’s about damn time.” Sarah stared at him, then burst out in laughter. She jumped up from the table, walking around it to throw her arms around both her brother and his girlfriend.

“You always were rooting for her, weren’t you.” He shrugged, finally smiling, and widely.

“She’s a Leafs fan. What can I say?” Andy smiled. She was happy for Sarah. This seemed like a good thing. As they all sat back down to finish breakfast, the mood was high but there was something she couldn’t quite put her finger on, something bittersweet. As the morning went on she forgot about it, and by the time she kissed Sam goodbye on his way out the door, she was too immersed in wedding plans with Sarah to care.

 

Weeks passed, and with physical therapy Andy was told she should be cleared to work within another. She was beyond ready to get back to work, being cooped up in Sam’s house all day was starting to get to her. He let her go for runs, but only when either he or Sarah was with her, and she was starting to hate the lack of independence. They had a few pretty good fights about it after Sarah moved back in with Dana. She was over pretty often, planning the wedding with Andy since Dana apparently had little interest in the details.

Sarah and Dana had come around for dinner a few times, and the first time Andy met her she could see what Sarah saw in her. She was striking, tall with long black hair and cheekbones most women would die for. But it was her eyes that were captivating, hard to look away from. They were massive and jade green, contrasting beautifully with her dark skin. Andy was starting to think that if she had to spend much more time around these women she was going to develop a complex.

Dana was kind, and she made Sarah a little softer, a little quieter. Watching them together was like watching a couple who had already been married for a lifetime, and it sent a small pang of envy through her when she least expected it. Still, things with her and Sam were good, despite her virtual house arrest. She looked up as the door opened, and the subject of her thoughts stepped into view.

“Guess what.” She bounded on him the way a child did when they were excited, which she was. She had good news.

“Sarah changed her mind and I can wear jeans to the wedding?” Andy rolled her eyes. She wasn’t sure where this aversion to dress clothes had come from, but Sam had been very reluctant to relinquish his leather jacket for a suit.

“You need to relax about that. It could be worse, she could make the wedding black tie.” Andy wagged her eyebrows at Sam, who looked horrified.

“If you so much as mention black tie to my sister, you’re on your own in the kitchen indefinitely.” Andy laughed.

“That might punish you more than it punishes me. I’m used to having to eat my own cooking.” Sam just sighed in defeat.

“What’s the news then?”

“Doctor Talbot says I can go back to work next week. I just have to go talk to Frank on Monday, and I’ll probably be on desk duty for a week or so.” She beamed. Her happiness was reflected in his eyes, but she also caught something that looked reluctant. “What?”

“Nothing.” He reached up to brush her hair from her face. “That’s great news, congratulations. We could use you back.” He bent down to kiss her, but she held up a hand.

“No, something’s wrong. What, are you worried about me?” He sighed.

“I don’t think I’ll ever not be worried about you. I know you can take of yourself.” He cut her off when she opened her mouth to protest. “I know that. You’re one of the best cops I’ve ever seen. But you’re the also the best part of my life, and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop worrying I’m going to lose you.” Her expression softened, and she ran a thumb across his jaw.

“You won’t lose me, Sam. I’m not going anywhere.” Expecting him to kiss her, she was surprised when he nodded and walked past her into the living room.

“Good.” He said, knowing she was following him. A little confused, she waited. “Then I’m sure you’ll say yes when I ask you to move in with me. Permanently.” Andy stared at him, her mouth falling open. It wasn’t a stretch from their current situation, not really. She still had her place, not that she spent any time there. Every time she stopped by to pick up clothes, or check her mail, she could see Dustin. She hadn’t really thought about selling it and moving in with Sam. She had always assumed she would just get another place. But, now that he suggested it, she turned the idea over in her mind.

“Okay.” It was Sam’s turn to be stunned. He had expected her to put up more of a fight than that. She was so damn stubborn. “It makes sense, I never stay over there, I don’t even like it anymore.” She said sadly. He got up from the couch and pulled her into him. She sighed. “Besides, I like it here. It’s safe. When Sarah’s not around, anyways.” She could feel the rumble in his chest when he laughed.

“Okay, then.” They spent the rest of the night figuring out when they could go get her things, and she left a message for her realtor. It wasn’t until they were lying in bed later, Sam already fast asleep, that it really sank in for her. She looked at Sam, and then around the room, one that had begun to feel like home. _You can have it,_ she thought, _that life you thought couldn’t have with him. You can have it._  She fell asleep with a smile on her lips and a lightness in her heart, and she had never known that happiness could be so quiet.

 

Her first day back at work was a lot of paperwork. It was what she had expected, but still, she hated it. She was wading through a folder of gang activity on Dundas when a hand grabbed her from behind. She spun around without thinking, Dustin’s face flashing in her mind. She looked down to see Dov sprawled on the floor.

“Oh, god, Dov I’m sorry.” She reached down and helped him up. He shook his head, smiling gently.

“I’m fine, it’s all good. I probably shouldn’t be sneaking up on you like that.” Andy bit her lip, but said nothing. It was a new weakness, and she hated to be weak. “I was just going to ask, I hear you’re selling your condo?” She raised her eyebrows. She had only told Traci about that, but she supposed it shouldn’t surprise her that Traci had told the other rookies.

“Uh, yeah. I am.” She waited.

“Moving in with Swarek huh?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her.

“Okay, gross, Dov, stop that. Was that your question?” He shook his head.

“No, actually I was wondering how much you were hoping to get for it. It’s two bedrooms, two baths and a view. Plus, it’s close to work.” Andy blinked in surprise.

“Oh. You want to buy my house?” It came out sounding a little accusatory and Dov smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, uh, I could connect you to my realtor? She could probably help you out more than me. Plus, it probably wouldn’t be great for our friendship for me to be haggling prices with you.” He nodded smiling.

“Great, thanks. I always liked that place.” He turned and disappeared into the in-station gym, leaving Andy a little shocked. Weird. It had been a weird morning.

 

Dov ended up putting in the winning bid for Andy’s place, and she knew he could afford a bigger place if he accepted money from his parents, but she also knew he was way too proud for that. It took another few weeks for everything to be finalized, for her to move out and turn the keys over to him, but she found that at the end of it she was fine with letting go. That hadn’t been her place anymore, not after what had happened to her there.

Sarah had decided on a quick wedding, and by the time all the planning was done and the caterer had been booked and the hotel had been reserved it was only a few days away. Andy kept waiting for her to panic the way most brides do, but she was calm, or as calm as she ever was. Dana kept her grounded, and when there was a last minute mix up with the centerpieces, it was resolved quickly and tearlessly. It was a whole different world from when Andy had helped with Noelle’s wedding.

It was going to be very small, Andy was the only one in Sarah’s wedding party, and Dana had her brother as her best man. Sarah had asked Sam to walk her down the aisle, and though it wasn’t a surprise since neither of them were in contact with their father, he was touched. He seemed genuinely happy for his sister, and Andy watched him throughout the process. It was as though he could finally let go of that sad, scared little boy who wanted nothing more in the world than to see his sister happy again. She was, and radiantly so.

The day of the wedding was more chaotic than Andy expected. Part of her felt as though she had been lulled into a false sense of security, but she rolled with the punches and they managed to get Sarah to the park in time. Dana had decided not to get married in a church, it was hard to find a church in the city that would have taken them, and for that she wanted nothing to do with any of them. A friend of theirs from university had been ordained for another wedding, so they asked him.

The weather was perfect, and Andy took it as a sign. She told Sarah so and she shushed Andy, a panicked look in her eye.

“Don’t say things like that. You’ll jinx us.” Andy had sighed, told her she looked beautiful, then gone to find Sam. Chairs had been set up on either side of the runner, and guests milled around. Sarah was waiting in the limo, but Dana had been there early, making sure everything was set up right. She had little interest in the planning, but it seemed like she didn’t want Sarah to be disappointed. As long as only one bride was out and about, Andy figured that was allowed. They wouldn’t have a chance to see each other before the ceremony started. She found Sam talking to an aunt of his, and he broke off the conversation. They had decided to meet there, she had gotten off later than him and he had needed to drive Sarah to the salon.

Sam stared at her as she approached, and her heart nearly stopped at the way he was looking at her. Sarah had let her pick her own dress, mostly because with such a close date she hadn’t had time to worry about bridesmaid dresses. The one she’d chosen was lilac, to match Sarah’s decorations. It fit tightly around her chest and stomach, flaring into a flowy skirt that went down to her knees. There was enough cleavage to have Sam’s eyes dipping downwards, but it was still appropriate for a wedding. He cleared his throat.

“You look amazing.” She grinned, fighting the urge to twirl.

“You clean up pretty nice too.” She reached up to fix his tie, even though it wasn’t crooked. Her hand lingered on his chest.  “Sarah’s about ready to go. You should go get her.” He nodded, leaning down to press a quick kiss to her forehead before heading over to the limo. Andy found Dana’s brother, Jack, and Lewis, who was going to marry them, and they got into position at the end of the aisle.

The ceremony was brief, but beautiful. Sarah’s dress was a vision of lace and silk, and Dana wore a white tuxedo, tailored to perfection. They both looked like supermodels. Andy watched Sam as he handed his sister over to Dana. She fought the urge to touch him as he walked by her, keeping her eyes on the brides.

When it was over the guests began to leave slowly. It was just after 2, and the reception didn’t start until 6. Sam offered to take Sarah home to change, but she was stuck to her new wife’s side like glue. Andy made her way over to the truck, leaning against it while she waited for Sam.

He found her like that, head tilted back, hair glinting in the sun. It reminded him of the scene just over a month earlier, her in uniform riding in his car. It seemed like a lifetime ago, before the accident, before they’d gotten back together. He placed an arm on either side of her against the truck, pinning her down.

“Hi.” She smiled at him, punch drunk. She loved weddings.

“Hey.” He leaned down to kiss her, and she sighed into it. It was a perfect spring day, and he found himself thinking she blended right into the scenery in her purple dress. Pulling back, he reached behind her to open the door. “Get in.” She did so without a word, and Sam marveled at how easy things were between them when they were good. They had been fighting less since she’d been back at work, but before that she had resisted his attempts to keep her out of harm’s way. It had caused a little friction. The drive back to the house was quiet, and when he looked over at her, it seemed like some of her happiness had faded away. He didn’t ask about it.

 

The reception was being held at the Shangri-la, and Andy was starting to realize that whatever it was Sarah did, she made an obscene amount of money.

“So,” She started, flopping down beside Sam at their table in the ballroom. “You’re sister’s rich huh?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Always classy, McNally.” She stuck her tongue out at him. “Yeah she’s a real estate developer. One of the big bad guys environmentalists are going after.” Andy raised her eyebrows. They were interrupted as dinner arrived, Sarah had opted out of the traditional route of multiple courses. She hadn’t told them what she was serving, and Andy stared at the burger in front of her in surprise. She looked over at Sam.

“Burgers?” He shrugged. She grabbed the one in front of her, taking a bite. It was the best burger she had ever had. “Oh my god. Try this.” He waved her away as she thrust her food at him, picking up his own. He chewed thoughtfully for a moment before raising an eyebrow at her.

“Hey, that’s pretty good.” She smiled, and was about to say something when his aunt Marion sat down at the table. She struck up a conversation about the crime rate in the city, and was it really safe for Sarah to be moving back without a man in her home to protect her? The discussion got a little heated, and Andy stepped away, uncomfortable. She had no desire to get pulled into any more Swarek family arguments.

She wandered around the ballroom, and found herself out in a hallway separating the ballroom from the rest of the hotel. She heard something, like someone sniffling, and peered into the shadowy hallway.

“Is someone there?” She walked down it a bit farther, and saw a flash of white. As she got closer, she realized Sarah was sitting on the ground, her dress spread around her like a spray of flowers. “Sarah? Are you alright?”

Sarah looked up, her face streaked with mascara. Andy hurried over to her, pulling a tissue from her clutch and dabbing at the bride’s face.

“What happened?” Sarah tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace.

“Nothing, it’s stupid.”

Andy sighed, sliding onto the ground beside her.

“I doubt that.” Sarah shook her head.

“A room full of people, all here to see me, but it feels like I’m on my own.” Andy blinked, understanding begin to wash over her.

“Your parents?” Sarah stared at her in surprise. “I know the feeling, trust me. It doesn’t really matter that you have all this family and they love you, and they’re here for you. I mean, it does matter, but sometimes it’s not enough. You have two people in life who are supposed to be constant. Sometimes you get lucky and you have more than that. But if you don’t have those two people… there are times I don’t think a hundred Sams could fill that hole.” She reached out and took Sarah’s hand. “But he does. The right one does.”

Sarah let out a shuddering sigh, leaning her head against Andy’s shoulder.

“I like you, Andy McNally.” Andy laughed.

“I like you too, Sarah Swarek. Now let’s get you cleaned up and back to your wedding.” She stood, offering Sarah a hand. It took a few minutes of damp napkins and emergency make-up from Andy’s bag, but soon Sarah was good as new. When they got back to the ballroom the music was beginning to slow, and Dana approached them, holding out a hand to her new bride.

Andy watched them, their first dance. She felt a little wistful, but mostly she felt grateful. Her life was full, she had Sam, and she had Sarah now, and Tommy was finally doing alright. She hadn’t spoken to Claire recently, but having watched Sarah miss her mother, she wondered if she ought to. She was pulled from her thoughts when Sam came up behind her.

“Want to dance?” Andy blinked in surprise, Sam hated dancing, but took his hand. He lead her to the dance floor, arms sliding down her back. They swayed a little at first, but then Sam pulled her into a waltz as the music changed.

“I didn’t know you could dance.” She grinned as he spun her around, enjoying herself immensely.

“I don’t like to dance. I learned when Sarah got into it in high school.” Andy glanced over at his sister, swirling around the dance floor like a pro. Another surprise. “Dancing with you… it’s not so bad.” Andy smiled.

“No?”

“No.”

“Do you ever miss the person you used to be?” Her voice was serious all of a sudden, and Sam drew back to look at her face. It was sad.

“Am I a different person?” He wasn’t sure what he wanted her answer to be.

“I am.” She looked so troubled that he just pulled her in close, not knowing what to say.

“You’re not so different.”

“I used to be fearless. I mean, maybe not fearless, but I wasn’t so afraid. What kind of cop can I be when I jump out of my skin every time someone comes up behind me?” Sam stopped altogether this time, his hand on her chin.

“You’re still Andy McNally. You’re still one of the bravest cops I’ve ever seen. You’ve still got a lion’s heart.” Her eyes filled a little, and she just pressed her face into his chest. Sometimes she didn’t have words for the way he made her feel.

They danced for a few more songs, Sam finally dragging her back to their table. A waiter came and offered them champagne, which Andy regretfully declined. Unsure of how Sam would handle the night’s events, she had offered to be the designated driver. She watched him down the flute of champagne through narrowed eyes.

 

A few hours, and quite a bit of champagne on Sam’s part later, Andy lay in bed, completely exhausted. Sam was showering, and she was nearly asleep when he finally came to bed.

“You awake?” His voice was a whisper. She just groaned. He laughed and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Goodnight.” She didn’t respond, and he assumed she had fallen asleep,

“Sam?” It was a few minutes later that her voice drifted over to him.

“Yeah?”

“We are not having a swing band at our wedding.” He snorted, amused.

“Are we getting married, McNally?” She let out a little hum, then sighed.

“Yeah.” He could tell by her tone of voice that she was already lost into a dream land, so he let it go. As he closed his eyes, he saw a white dress flaring out on the dance floor, but when he spun her in close and lifted the veil, it wasn’t Sarah he saw, but Andy.

 

Andy woke up all at once, feeling that mixture of groggy and alert that accompanies a really good night’s sleep. She rolled over, hand reaching out for Sam. She knew before her hand hit the pillow that he was gone. It hit something small and hard, and she closed her hand around it without opening her eyes. Had he lost his cufflinks in the bed again? She pulled her hand back in, opening her palm and her eyes at the same time.

She had to squint, at first, while her eyes adjusted, but once she realized what the object in her hand was she almost dropped it. A single cushion cut diamond sat in the middle of a narrow platinum band. She turned it over in her hand, studying it. It was beautiful and simple, and exactly her taste. As she brought it closed to her face, she realized there was an engraving inside it. At first she thought it was some kind of serial marking, a symbol she didn’t recognize, but then she realized it was a picture. Her mouth dropped open as recognition clicked in her head. It was a lion.

She sat there, staring at the ring, and a very foggy conversation from the night before rang in her ears.

“ _Are we getting married, McNally?”_

“ _Yeah.”_

She blew out a breath, and slid the ring slowly onto her finger. It fit. Of course it did. Something like a ray happiness lit in her stomach, radiating out until she could feel a smile stretching it’s way across her face. As she climbed out of bed, she admired the ring, and had to fight the urge to jump up and down like a little girl.

Sam had certainly left a big surprise for her, she mused, hand trailing down to rest splayed on her stomach. Her competitive side let out a small victory laugh as she headed to the kitchen. And now she had one for him. 


	19. Quick Note

I honestly realized yesterday that when I moved this story here from ff.net, I accidentally posted chapter 4 twice, and left out chapter 5. I'm a little surprised none of you commented asking what the heck was going on because a lot happened in that missing chapter, but anyway. I have replaced the duplicate with the real chapter 5. I'm really sorry, I don't know what happened there. Anyways, if anyone wanted to go back and re-read it with that extra chapter you now can. Thanks guys, hope you're all well. P.S. I still check my notifications all the time, so if you like the story I'd love for you to recommend it and tell everyone to leave reviews. Thanks again!


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